Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - Feb 14, 2007 February 14, 2007
Dear Dr. Ellen: My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years and we
have 2 children. Since money is an issue, my dad watches our kids for a small fee. My mom has had cancer 3
times and is not in good health. Over the years my dad has cheated on her. He says he would never do that
again, but my mom has, over the years, lost all her trust in him but still chooses to stay with him. About
two months ago, my wife went home for lunch unannounced, and found one of my dad’s lady friends in our
house. They were just sitting on the couch talking while my children were eating lunch. I guess the lady
just wanted to see the kids and say hello. My problem is that my wife wants to tell my mom. We got in a big
argument. I feel that if my mom finds out, she’ll kick my dad out so I feel this is up to my dad to
tell her. This has been a nightmare. My wife and I have been happily married for so long but this one
problem is ripping us apart. My wife and mom are very close and she feels guilty for not telling her. I
don’t want to tell her because I will lose my dad and my mom will be alone. We are all in a no win
situation. My wife resents me so much now that she has cut me off from any intimacy. It’s killing
me that she hates me for something my dad did. - Sam
Dear Sam: I wonder if your dad would have told you that he had a
‘friend” over if your wife hadn’t come home from lunch? He had no business entertaining a
woman when his job is to care for the children. In a situation like this, I believe that when your wife
walked in and saw the expression on your dad’s face and probably felt his discomfort, her
“gut” feeling was that something was very wrong here. If this woman was truly a friend, then
she would be a friend to both your mom and dad. My guess is that he is having a private relationship with
her. If he wasn’t, it would be no big deal to tell your mom that this woman happened to be over
visiting today.
Since your
wife and mom are good friends, your wife has every right to tell your mom what she witnessed and not read
into it anymore than what she saw. Then it is up to your mom to discuss this with her husband. My guess
is that your mom knows exactly what your dad has been doing for all these years and has come to accept
it.
Regardless
of what you do with this situation, there is a bigger issue at stake that you didn’t ask about. You
should not have someone who your wife does not respect and trust, watch your children. When you have a
man who lies, cheats and betrays his wife, it is not a good idea to have that kind of man watch your
children on a daily basis, especially when it is your dad. Honesty and loyalty are not part of his
character and that is not someone your children should be around 8 hours a day, not matter how much money
you are saving.
I know that
you both love your children and would never want any harm to come to them. You need to be aware that a
man like your dad could very well do emotional damage in the future, if he were to have someone over and
ask your children to keep that a secret. He is certainly poisoning your marriage because of his
inappropriate behavior in the past and now bringing his “lady friend” into your home. Tell your
wife that she can tell your mom anything she likes and that you need to find someone else to watch the
kids. Your wife is hurt because you are more concerned about protecting your dad than honoring your
wife’s feelings. I feel that your #1 concern right now should be your marriage, your wife and your
children. Your parents will have to deal with their own issues. – Dr. Ellen
Advice column responses regarding the
woman who had 5 children from another marriage and one child with her present husband. For the last 7 years,
her husband’s parents always took pictures of only the youngest daughter and not the step-children
because they wanted to send it to the rest of their own family and their elderly parents. She wanted to know
if she was causing unnecessary drama for getting upset that they did not include her other children in any
picture taking?
Dear Fran: I met my now current
husband after a divorce. My ex and I had two kids together. My current husband and I went on to have two kids
together and his mom and dad are wonderful. When she buys for one, she buys for all. They all get gifts at
Christmas and on their birthday and she refers to all of them as her grandchildren. My older kids feel just
as close to her as the other grandkids do, if not more, so than than their biological grandparents. When she
got sick and was in the hospital, we took a picture of ALL of the grandchildren to put by her bedside. She
has a sweatshirt that says Grandma's Little Angels and they ALL have a name on that sweatshirt. It will be
just as hard for the two of them when my mother-in-law dies. Please do not settle for the way it is. Kids
understand that others are favored by certain people and it can be very hurtful. You are a family and should
be portrayed as such. - Carrie
Dear Fran: You have a right to be
upset with your in-laws for only taking pictures of your child with your current husband and not including
your other children from a previous marriage. All of you are now a "blended family" - family being
the operative word here. My mother remarried when I was 5 and my brother was 4. My mother's husband treated
us like we were his biological children and so did his mother, (his father died young) his siblings, his
aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am 45 years old and they are "my family" and I don't even think of
them as not being biologically related to me. I cannot imagine the psychological damage that may have been
done throughout my formative years if I felt that the woman that I know as grandmother did not treat me like
her granddaughter. My grandmother has since passed away, but she was my grandma, not my mother's husband's
mother. Each child is just as important as the other and they all need to know that and not have one singled
out just because he/she has a different biological father. So please, talk with your husband, tell him your
feelings and ask him - for the sake of the children - to please talk with his parents. -
Terri
Dear Fran: My sister and I are step
grandchildren to my mother's in-laws. They sometimes come and visit all of us for Thanksgiving or Christmas
and they would give money to all kids including us. Last Thanksgiving, they gave diamond earings to all
granddaughters (they have 8 of them) and watches to all grandsons (my husband was given one too) from part of
their heirloom. My sister and I were not sure if we should accept this gift, being a family treasure. My
grandparents and entire family insisted we keep it since we are part of the family. I had watery eyes at that
moment because my late father's parents abandoned us and my step father's parents welcomed us as their own. I
think your husband needs to take a stand on this one and make them realize all children are part of yours and
his family. They need to be treated the same. - Nidhi
Dear Fran: My sibs & I were all
"biological" children of my dad’s parents, but they treated us like stepchildren. They were
hard and cruel people. The one thing I would add that Dr. Ellen didn’t is what this does to the
children. Your youngest is being affected by this, as well as the older five. This is a lot to put on one
small child. Your youngest daughter has the burden and the guilt for all these negative feelings from your
in-laws. I agree with Dr. Ellen. If they can't treat all 6 of your children as equals, then I'd limit
their involvement with the youngest. You're not doing her any favors allowing this to go on. Let your husband
know he's hurting "his own" child as much as anyone. God Bless. - Terri
Dear Fran: Allow me to tell you the
kids perspective, years after the fact, because I was the kid in a similar situation years ago. My father
left my family at 2 for another woman. That marriage failed and then he married another woman. That failed
and then he married another gal and had two children. I went to his office that had a huge wall of family
pictures and I was not on the wall at all, nor was my brother. I was so hurt and it made me see that my
father did not care at all for me. It was depressing. When two people get married and each has children from
a previous marriage, does this mean the children are no longer theirs? Of course not! If you are getting
remarried, then your children are part of you. When I remarried and had step-children, I was overjoyed to add
more children to my life. When my step-son and his wife had their first child, I was just as excited as I was
when my first daughter had her baby! All of our family pictures to both sides of parents always included all
of us since we were a family. The same photos were given to both sets of grandparents and some smaller
individual photos of the children for their wallet. The saying of yours, mine and ours should never be. It
should only be this is US! My husband and I are proud of all of our children and their accomplishments and
would never choose between yours, mine and ours!
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