Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - Feb 28, 2007
February 28, 2007

Dear Sandra: I completely understand how uncomfortable you must have felt knowing that if you attended a game, you would be faced with a jealous and rude ex. However, there are many ways you could have handled it and asking your husband to choose between the sport he loves and his marriage was completely unfair. I know, in your mind, it was easier to put this on your husband’s shoulders and ask him to leave but you should have gone straight to the source of you pain and taken the high road. I am sure that his ex is jealous and hurt that he married you and that you now have a child together. If anyone was in a position of power, it was you. Your husband didn’t ask you to stay home and not attend his games. He had no intention of hiding the fact that you were the one he loved and you were the one he was now having a baby with. I wish you could have felt proud to be there and could have put all of your energy into cheering for his team. If his ex glared at you or said something unkind, you could have taken the high road and gone directly to her and said, “I realize that this is an awkward situation for both of us and I am sorry if I have hurt you in any way. It has never been my intention. I hope in the future we can be more courteous and respectful towards each other.”

I know two young couples who are extremely, happily married. Both men have full time jobs and one is a part-time basketball coach and the other is a volunteer fire fighter. Would these women like more time with their husbands and help with the children? Absolutely, but each one realizes that they would be asking their husbands to give up a part of who they are. You said that “we have been very busy with our new baby and getting used to living on very little sleep, but loving every minute of it.” I think that underneath, your husband felt very resentful and was just waiting for an excuse to get back at you for making him give up coaching. So now he has found a reason to justify his anger. While he was forced to give up coaching, you still continue to work at the same company that your ex works at.

Here is what you need to say to say, word-for-word to your husband. “I have been thinking a lot about us and how wrong I was in asking you to give up a position that you are so good at and love. I am glad that you are going back to it in the fall. I will support you 100% in any way that I can. I want our son to have a father that feels fulfilled and not resentful. I also am so sorry for not telling you about my ex. I will look for another job if it will make you feel better. I love you and want this marriage to work. If it takes me the rest of my life, I will make this up to you.”

I really believe if you say this, your husband will calm down, be grateful for a wife who supports his passion and will not ask you to leave your job. – Dr. Ellen

Advice column responses from a man who has his dad watch his children for a small fee while he and his wife work. His mom has had cancer 3 times and is not in good health. Over the years his dad has cheated on her. He says he would never do that again, but his mom has, over the years, lost all her trust in him but yet chooses to stay with him. About two months ago, Sam’s wife went home for lunch unannounced, and found one of his dad’s lady friends in their house. They were just sitting on the couch talking while his children were eating lunch. His problem is that his wife wants to tell his mom. They got into a big argument. Sam feels that if his mom finds out, she’ll kick his dad out. This problem is ripping his marriage apart. His wife and mom are very close and she feels guilty for not telling her. He doesn’t want to tell his mom because he will lose his dad and his mom will be alone. His wife resents Sam so much now that she has cut him off from any intimacy. It’s killing him that his wife hates him for something his dad did.

Dear Sam: Stop protecting your father! He needs to be treated as an adult and be held accountable for his actions, especially what he does in YOUR home with YOUR children. What is he teaching your children by having another woman (friend or not) over instead of grandma? What he may think is harmless does have emotional costs on them. Look how it's costing your own integrity at home with your wife. Think just for a moment on how you may be unconsciously trying to protect your father's behavior. Stay in integrity with yourself and honor your family, they matter most! Quality child care is priceless as is your marriage. - Chrissy

Dear Sam: I won't give my 2 cents whether your mother should know or not, because I could argue both ways. You say she's had cancer, but is she in remission, and is she dying? If it were me, I'd want to know, but then again, I found my uncle cheating on my aunt, told her, and she's never forgiven me. Sometimes, they shoot the messenger. Having asked that, I'm concerned about the children. My dad cheated on my mom every day of her life. As a child, you pick up on that - even if you don't know specifics. It’s damaging and stays with the child for life. It’s a guilt you live with the rest of your life and, you find it hard to trust others.

So, if your dad can't stop seeing his "women friends," I would keep your children away from that situation. It isn't healthy, and ultimately, will leave your children feeling put in the middle of a situation they can't understand and shouldn't have to deal with. Also, if your wife walked in unexpectedly to find them "talking," what have your children walked in on unexpectedly? I really hope it goes well for you. God Bless. - Terri

Dear Sam: My advice is that your wife should keep her mouth shut, not out of loyalty for your dad, but for both your mom and you. She should try to understand your point of view, that not everything is black and white, and that sometimes we have to act out of compassion and not justice. Remind her that your mom chose to stay with your dad in spite of his affairs, and she has every right to have some peace in what may be the last years of her life. Just give her that! My aunt was in the same situation. Her husband used to cheat on her, but he did try to make her last few and painful years very comfortable. Unless he’s physically or mentally abusing your mom, let them be. I agree with Dr. Ellen in that your dad shouldn’t be watching your kids, not only because of your mistrust, but because he should be spending time with your mom. In my opinion, probably nothing negative happened with his lady friend in front of your kids. Talk to him, and tell him that you guys will not mention anything to your mom on the condition that he will spend time with her and make her happy. Tell him that he owes her that. And to your wife, please don’t cut off your husband. I almost lost mine because of my constant punishing him for everything. He sounds like a good husband and son. Be nice to him and yourself. God bless you both! - Sandra

Dear Sam: When your father so openly disavows his loyalty to your mother, it leaves a tremendous hole inside the emotional core of a child, even if that child is an adult. The insecurity is almost overwhelming, as certainly you can see, because you are devastated by the fact that you might "lose" your father. The truth of the matter is that your father has "lost" himself. Adultery is a selfish choice for any parent to make. Remember that healthy people don't have affairs; a mentally healthy person can make and keep a commitment, or else ask for a divorce. I encourage you to take a stand for your own children's sake AGAINST your father's actions and support, not just your wife, but also your mother in this. You may think that what your mother doesn't know won't hurt her. But no doubt she has been subjecting herself to this horrific humiliation for years for your sake, for the sake of the family; so that you would not lose your father. Now that you are an adult, let her know how much you appreciate her sacrifice for you and also realize that where your father is concerned you don't have to agree with someone, or their actions, to love them. In this instance, it really is okay to take sides. In reality, your wife's values are at odds on this, not because of their friendship, but because your own values have been affected by your father's actions. Decide whether or not you believe that adultery is acceptable. This last part is probably at the core of why your wife has distanced herself from you at this point. She is reading your lack of support for telling your mother as an endorsement of your father's actions, which it is, whether you want to face that or not. From your wife's point of view, this probably generates considerable insecurity as to whether or not you would also commit adultery. Remember, this mess is your father's making, not yours or your wife's. It's time for him to realize that the world doesn't revolve around his own selfish desires, and as a parent he owes YOU as well as your children the consideration of consistency in his devotion to your mother. If he can't give that then he owes you all the honest exposure of his inability to give such devotion by way of getting a divorce so that everyone knows where he stands. As it is, he is neither loyal to you or honest with you. He is setting a very bad example for you as a father and for your children as a person. Good luck and God bless you as you begin to address the complexities involved in this problem. - Linda

Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love lives." We invite you to visit her website at www.lightyourfire.com. Dr. Kreidman also provides advice for a fee via 15 and 30 minute scheduled appointments by phone. Call 1-800-310-1732 to schedule.