Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - Mar 14, 2007 March 14, 2007
Dear Dr. Ellen: We have been married for 3 years and this is a second marriage for both of us. Prior to taking him to meet my family, he asked that I make certain that there was not any pictures of me and my ex (boyfriends or husband) displayed because it would make him very uncomfortable. So needless to say, I called my family and asked them very nicely to take any pictures of me and my ex down. Everyone obliged. So imagine my surprise when I went to his father's house and there was a picture of him and his ex still up. It turns out that he had never asked his family to take them down. When I asked him how he could ask me to have MY family take down the wedding pictures and he not have the same courtesy, he replied, "My mom leaves the picture there for my kids". Well this did not sit well with me at all. My children were young when I asked my family to take the pictures down of me and their father. His kids are not small and he had been divorced for more than 10 before I entered the picture. It is my understanding that the relationship between my ex-husband’s wife and the in-laws was, and still is, very strained and yet the picture is still up 3 years later. I think he should at least give me the same courtesy and make an attempt. I would completely understand if, in fact, he had asked to have them removed and was denied. Then at least I know an attempt was made on his part. I guess my question for you is, am I asking too much of him (as he says) since he asked the same of me? I would greatly appreciate your perspective on this matter. - Suzanne
Dear Suzanne: To answer your
question right up front, no, you are not asking too much for him to respond to your feelings as you do to
his. After all, he is the one who brought this up to begin with and if he was uncomfortable looking at your
ex, then it would be assumed that he would make the same request of his parents. His request was certainly
understandable and you absolutely did the right thing in asking everyone in the family to honor it. From
that point, it was up to them whether they did that or not. You cannot control what someone else does in
their home. Obviously, the request you made to your family was respected and carried out. That tells me
that you have a family that is very sensitive to your feelings and supportive of
you.
I have always taught men and women the true meaning
of love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." It
is quite clear that your husband was not raised with this philosophy. It is unbelievable to me that his
parents would even have to be asked to take down a picture of his ex when the two of you have been married
for 3 years. That should be a given! I have no problem with his parents keeping pictures of their
grandchildren’s mother in an album, but to have it displayed on a mantel or wall is extremely
disrespectful to you. Your husband obviously doesn’t feel comfortable asking them because he feels
that he already knows the answer he’ll get. He has already told you that if he did ask his parents to
take the pictures down, his mom would say, “Those pictures will stay up because of the children.”
What he should have added, since he knows them better than anyone else is, “My family is different
than yours is. My parents don’t care that the picture makes you or me feel uncomfortable. They only
look at it from their point of view and nothing I say is going to change that.” That would be the
whole truth.
People think differently when it comes to memories.
For some, it is important to let go of anything relating to their past relationships. For others, it is
important to keep pictures as a reminder of their past. Neither one is right or wrong. When two people
agree to spend the rest of their lives together, there has to be a certain amount of sensitivity and
respect for each other’s past history. I believe that both you and your husband can control your own
environment and create your own memories with beautiful pictures in your own home. There is nothing wrong
with keeping your past history in a box, stored away if one of you feels that it’s
important.
I also must say that I do not know enough of the
details as to who wanted the divorce and how close your in-laws are to their daughter-in-law. That might be
a factor in all of this as well but it still doesn’t excuse your husband’s or his families’
behavior. I would like nothing more than for you to say the following to his mother, “I am so grateful
that in the past 3 years, you have accepted me into your family. I know it must have been difficult because
of the relationship you had with ___ (ex’s name). It’s never easy on the parents when a couple
gets a divorce. However, every time I come to your home, seeing the pictures of my husband and his ex hurts
and I wondered if you wouldn’t mind taking them down and replacing them with some recent pictures of
us.” That sounds reasonable to me and if I were in your mother-in-laws shoes, I would apologize for
hurting you and take them down immediately. However, if after all this time, she hasn’t done that on
her own, I don’t think you will get that reaction. What I think you will get instead is, “I
don’t understand what the big deal is since they are just pictures and I want my grandchildren to be
able to see a picture of their parents when they come over.” So, many times in life, we have to ask
ourselves, "Do we want to be right or do we want to be loved?” In this case, I don’t feel
you can win. Your husband is a product of the environment he was raised in and you were brought into his
life for a reason. Hopefully, your love and sensitivity will rub off on him as the years go
by.
I think you should wrap your arms around your husband
and reinforce how much you love him. Then, I would make an appointment with a professional photographer and
take a beautiful family picture of you and your husband, surrounded by all of your children. (His and
Yours). Then, give your in-laws a beautiful new portrait to hang on their wall. – Dr. Ellen
Advice column responses to the
woman who asked her husband to choose between his marriage and coaching. She has only been married to him for
3 years and they have a 3 month old son. Her husband is a part time, assistant football coach at a local
community college. His ex-girlfriend is a teacher there. His ex-girlfriend, who attends all the games, had
been very rude to her. She knew that her husband had no interest in his ex but felt that his ex still cared
about him and went out of her way to say some nasty things to her. She was so upset that she gave her husband
an ultimatum. She could no longer cope with the idea of seeing his ex at one more game and she wanted him
home to help with the chores and a new baby. He quit coaching. Then, about a month ago he found out that she
works at a company that one of her ex boyfriends works at. She never told her husband because he made it
clear right from the start of their relationship that he didn’t want to know about her past. Since
finding this out, he has completely changed. He said that it’s not because he's jealous in any way, but
because he had to stop doing something that he loved because of his ex. He has told her that he is going back
to coaching in the fall and doesn’t care whether she likes it or not. He no longer is interested in her
day and does not want to look at her.
Dear Sandra: What were you thinking,
girl??? You have played right into the hands of his ex. As Dr. Ellen said, you had the upper hand in this
situation. Of course your husband resents you for forcing him to give up coaching. It sounds like you were a
little insecure about your own standing in this relationship. I would agree that you have some making up to
do. In a way, you have questioned his fidelity to you by asking him to give up the job. He has no control
over whether or not this woman comes to the games. Did you not trust him to behave himself if you chose not
to go to the games? I say, admit you were wrong, support his decision and go to the games with your child and
your own girlfriend posse and enjoy yourself. What's history is history. Strong marriages are built on
learning to admit you were wrong and asking for forgiveness. As for addressing this woman’s comments if
it continues, I suggest you and your husband speak to her about it together - it will get the message across
that you two are a team. - Linda
Dear Sandra: My husband, who is a
successful engineer, decided to give his notice back in December. This was a decision made by the both of us.
Most of his life, he took the "safe" route to make a good living and did what his dad did. He hated
his job. Now, he wants to do something with passion behind it. Personally, I'm scared to death. I've been
fortunate enough to stay at home with our son and now he's taking a huge jump off the corporate ladder. But,
I encourage him 100%. I'll get a part-time job at night if I have to. This is his dream and I want him to be
happy. He said to me, "How am I supposed to tell my son to fulfill his dreams if I haven't even
attempted to fulfill mine?" That was enough for me. Let me say it hasn't been easy. We've been at each
other's throats and we've even had to put ourselves in time outs here and there. (my son loves that)
Nevertheless, we will get through it and in the end it will be more than worth it on so many levels. I
believe the most important and significant thing you can do as a parent is to live a healthy, happy marriage.
One of my goals in life is to have my children say, "my parents had a great marriage." With that
said, I think you have to deal with your insecurities. This ex-girlfriend of his has prodded your ego and you
aren't letting it go. The games aren't about you and her. They are about your husband's passion. If you truly
believe she is no threat to breaking up your marriage, then by all means, you should encourage your husband
to do what he loves. You are his wife and you have his son. SHE has the issues. He quit for you and was
willing to do so to prove his devotion. If you try and change the man you married, he'll find a woman who
likes him just as he is. (Thanks Dr. E! What an eye-opener!) PLEASE take Dr. Ellen's advice. You'll soon see
everything will fall into place as it should be. Good luck and enjoy your baby boy. It goes by, way too
quickly. - Renee
Dear Sandra: You must remember one
thing, your husband's ex is jealous of you and is really MAD at him for choosing you instead of her. If he
was interested in her and they were doing something about it, she would not be saying rude things to you. She
wanted you to be mad at him; so she took her anger out on you. If she could cause trouble between you and
your husband, she would consider that she had won. WON what, you ask? Well, revenge. You were wrong to ask
your husband to give up coaching but you know that now and it was totally wrong of you not to share your
secret. But you can say the right words and get back each other's trust in your marriage. Say it and mean it.
The ex is despicable. You know your husband, would he want a despicable person in his life?
“NO!”
Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love
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