Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - Mar 28, 2007 March 28, 2007
Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband grew
up in a home of two selfish and disrespectful parents. This has ruined him in our marriage. He says he loves
me and our two-year old son very much and would do anything for us but he is very selfish. He comes first and
then acts like he doesn't realize that he is selfish at all. His elderly parents depend on us to take care of
all their needs. We are their power of attorney but I do all the work. I have to pay all our bills and
theirs. I have to buy all our groceries and theirs. I have to do everything here in our household, work full
time, and take care of our two year old while he works full time but comes home and does nothing. We have
argued over all this repeated times. He has even had other people tell him that this is why we argue and
verbally fight because they know I do it all. I am very stressed. I had open heart surgery at 28 years old
which was in December of 2005 and I just can't deal with all the responsibilities, especially HIS parents.
His mom is on many meds because of mental instabilities. They are both too old and clueless. I am 30 now. We
have been married for two years but dated for 3 years and have known each other for many years. I should not
have to deal with HIS parents issues, finances, or responsibilities. They are his parents but he doesn't even
care if their bills get paid or not. He never even asks about them. They, of course, did not teach him any
financial responsibilities because they have none themselves. I know this is why my husband has no stress, no
financial mind, never wants to do any house chores, doesn't know how to cook, anything...please help.
- Paula
Dear Paula: You are 100 %
correct in that at, the very least, this should be a shared responsibility and certainly not on your
shoulders. Your husband relies on you because he can. I believe you should have a very serious talk with
your husband. Prior to doing that, you need to write down in black and white, everything you do and how
much time it takes. He should be very clear him that you are running yourself ragged. You are trying to be
all things to all people and it is just too much. Here’s what you need to say. “I really want to
spend less time on chores so I can pay more attention to you. My duties are certainly affecting our
marriage and quality time with our son. Therefore, I have made a decision. I am no longer willing to take
on the sole responsibility of taking care of your parents and their bills. It is just too overwhelming and
it’s affecting my role as a wife and as a mother.” Then, you give your husband a choice: Either,
he does it himself or he hires someone to do it for him. Either way, you are done and need a rest from this
for a minimum of 6 months. Explain that you have made up your mind, which means that if he doesn’t go
grocery shopping, they will not eat. If he doesn’t pay their electrical bill, they won’t have any
lights and so on.
Then, you have to do the hardest thing - give
yourself permission to be released of these duties. I believe in positive energy, so picture your husband
as the competent man, taking care of his duties as a son. After the 6 month period has passsed, your
husband will have a true appreciation for how much you were doing, and welcome your “help,” which
can be given if he is willing to help with his daughter and the chores at home. When two people work and
there is a child involved, as well as special circumstances, in your case, elderly in-laws, it has to be a
team effort. I also think you can have some fun with the chores and the cooking around the house by being a
bit more playful and flirtatious. But that’s another column! – Dr. Ellen
Advice column responses about a
woman whose husband made sure, that prior to them getting married, all the pictures of her and her ex-husband
would not be displayed in her family’s home because it made him very uncomfortable. She called her
family and asked them very nicely to take any pictures of her and her ex down. Everyone obliged. When she
went to his father's house, there was a picture of him and his ex still up. It turns out that he had never
asked his family to take them down. When she asked him how he could ask her family take down her wedding
pictures with her ex and he not have the same courtesy, he replied, "My mom leaves the picture there for
my kids". She felt that he should at least give her the same courtesy and make an attempt to tell his
father to take them down. She wanted to know if she was asking too much.
Dear Suzanne: I totally agree with
having a new family portrait made to replace the one that's up. In fact, I scheduled a professional sitting
for our blended family, 2 hours before our marriage. As it turned out, it's almost the only time we've had
our 2 sets of children together. But, the thing that I'm concerned with, is the double standard that seems to
be very evident in this marriage. As a matter of course, Suzanne didn't think twice before calling her
parents and requesting the pictures come down, but she was surprised when he didn't even ask his parents to
do the same. It seems that the reply from his mom was a quick, let's change the subject, response. I don't
mean to be judgmental, but it sounds too familiar, a response that sounds reasonable and you can't question.
It has been a hard lesson learned and I still fight with my passive personality when it comes to my husband,
but I've questioned requests he has of me and my children. Will he be willing to do the same in that same
type of situation? Will he require the same of his kids as he's asking of mine? -
Carla
Dear Suzanne: I had almost the same
situation and I told my husband that every picture that my parents had, was going to go back up if he
didn’t tell his mom to take it down. It turns out that we got a beautiful family portrait and gave it to
his parents. He finally got the nerve to tell them that he expects them to take the old pictures down and
replace it with his new life. They did! - Patricia
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