Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - May 9, 2007 May 09, 2007
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 38 yrs old
and married to a 29 yr old woman for almost 4 years. I was divorced when we met and had 3 kids. My kids now
are 16, 12, and 9. My ex and I are friendly to one another, but that is ALL! I have never once in the 9 years
we have been divorced had anything more than a phone conversation with her. My current wife is very
untrusting just the same. I can't even discuss weekend arrangements with her without starting a fight with my
current wife. It is hard to juggle, to say the least. Also, we live in a very rural area so there are not
many kids in the community. Therefore, my middle boy does everything with me. If I am in the barn, he is
right there with me. If I go fishing, he wants to go. If I am doing it, he wants to be a part of it. This
drives my wife over the edge. Even when she is at work, she is very jealous of the time that I spend with the
kids. Also, my ex and I swap kids every other weekend. My wife does not feel that the weekends we have
without kids counts as "quality time". She expects me to get a sitter or pawn the kids off on the
weekends. We do have them, so that SHE feels special and like the most important thing to me. I have told her
over and over to "not make me choose" between my children and her. I feel we are now a family and
time should not have to be individualized. Why can't we share happy times instead of being resented for them?
I do try to make time for just her and I to do something at least once a week. But like I said, on the weeks
we don't have kids, she doesn't give me any credit. She only resents me for the time I spend with the kids
when they are with us. What do I do or say to her to make her understand that I can love my kids AND her at
the same time? Please help me. I am about to lose my wife, and I don't want that, but then again, I will not
push my children away either. Is there hope? - Stan
Dear Stan: There is nothing
more challenging than living with a woman who is insecure and has low self-esteem. People who feel secure
and like themselves tend to be less jealous of others and less possessive of their spouses. Many women, who
have had to deal with abandonment issues as children, emotionally unavailable parents, or have been
betrayed by someone they loved in the past, carry overwhelming feelings of jealousy into every aspect of
their lives. There are many honest and loyal men like you, who are constantly paying the price for someone
else’s past cruel behavior.
When two people care about each other there has to be
trust between them as well as an appreciation and respect for the people who are part of their lives. Some
jealousy is normal in any love relationship. Every woman wants to be reassured, from time to time, that her
mate won't find someone else more appealing. But extreme jealousy will eventually ruin a perfectly good
relationship and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you have children, friends, or interests that take
time away from her, it is her constant accusations that will eventually drive you away, not the other
people or activities. It becomes a never-ending battle to try and prove your loyalty and eventually it
drains the life right out of you. I see jealousy of an ex wife or a step-child ruin more marriages than you
can ever imagine. Jealousy is a way of controlling another person’s behavior. I believe that we are
the ones that teach others how we expect to be treated. It’s is up to you to decide whether you want
your wife to control your every move and dictate when you can or can’t spend time with your child. It
is up to you whether you want to stay with a woman who doesn’t enjoy, “family time” when
your children come over for the weekend. You asked for my advice and here it is. Sit your wife down and
tell her the following,"I love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you.
You fell in love with a man who has a good relationship with his ex and 3 children who he loves with all
his heart. I will be spending as much time with them as I can until they are too old or too busy with lives
of their own to do that. I want to be involved in every aspect of their lives and have them part of ours.
So, we are talking about 10 years, minimum here. I am a package deal and if you truly cannot accept my
children with love in your heart, we will need to go our separate ways. I can no longer have my children
suffer for your insecurities and I don’t want to keep justifying my behavior as a supportive
dad.” Then Stan, it is up to her whether she loves you enough to accept you for who you
are. – Dr. Ellen
Advice column responses about the
woman who had to take care of her husband’s elderly parents. His elderly parents depend on their son to
take care of all their needs, but it is Paula who does all the work. She has to buy all of their groceries as
well as her own. She has to do everything in her household, work full time, and take care of their two year
old while her husband works full time and comes home and does nothing. They have argued over all of this
repeatedly. Paula had open heart surgery at 28 years old which was in December of 2005 and can't deal with
all the responsibilities, especially his parents. His mom is on many meds because of mental instabilities and
both of them are completely clueless as to what is going on around them. Paula is 30 years old and has only
been married for two years but has dated her husband for many years prior to getting married. She no longer
felt that she could deal with his parent’s issues, finances, or
responsibilities.
Dear Paula: You have become a 100%
enabler for your husband. I know it seems so much easier to just do it yourself rather than go through the
hassle of trying to get him to take care of his own parents. Believe me I know the same holds true of your
own kids. Somebody once told me that the most responsible children come from the most irresponsible parents.
I do think this holds true for husbands and care for their parents. Tough love is sometimes the best
medicine. I agree with the person's solution about the 6 month trial; however, it does not stop there. His
help must be for as long as they live. If he does not pay the electric bill, they don't get their
electricity, simple as that. Do you realize that if you do not take a stand in this, you will end up
developing the same kind of child as he is? Then what happens to you when you can't do for yourself? Think
about it! - Debbie
Dear Paula: You're in a tough place.
But there are places to go for help. Call your local seniors center and ask for information on support groups
and classes about caring for elderly parents AND ENROLL YOUR HUSBAND! Also, as someone who grew up caring for
a bi-polar relation who also became profoundly selfish and uncaring in later years, I need to tell you - no
amount of love can make a mentally unstable person well, when they don't want to change. It is possible that
your husband has inherited a narcissistic personality or mental problem from his parents. It is also highly
possible that if you let him, he will happily let you carry the entire load for the family until you are too
sick to do anything anymore. That includes being there for your little son. Look at your son, decide that his
life and yours are worth fighting for, and draw a mental time-line for your husband's progress. If he refuses
to step up, take care of his parents and give yourself time to rest and heal, you may need to decide between
being married to your husband or being there for your son. You are too young to let someone else work you
into an early grave, no matter how much he "says" he loves you. -
Susan
Dear Paula: You should decide on a
date when you will no longer be taking care of his parent’s affairs. The hard part will then be not
giving in, especially, if you see that bills have gone unpaid. Just remember that you are not the only adult
who can be responsible. My ex took advantage of my fastidiousness about paying bills. He got to the point
that he would quit his job and leave me taking out payday loans and scrambling to keep us afloat. I believed
him when he said that he couldn't get a checking account or credit. My name was on the lease and bills. I was
the only one responsible. Four years into our relationship, I was pregnant. Things never got better. (We were
cohabitating.) Well, I finally grew up and decided that I wasn't going to carry his dead weight. Do you know
that he did just fine without my help? He had to keep steady employment and get a checking account and pay
bills. He was capable all along, but I truly believed that I had to bear everything when we were together.
So, please, put your foot down firmly. I realize that I should have been more assertive in this area. By the
time I got completely fed up, there was no relationship worth saving anymore. Best regards -
Yolanda.
Dear Paula: You can't change your
husband, you can't change your in-laws, but you can change YOU. How you react is what needs to change. I
don't know when your husband’s parents became your responsibility, but, they're not. Like Dr. Ellen
said, tell your husband, if you don't buy your own parents food, they won't eat. If you don't pay your
parents bills, they won't have electricity or heat. I'd tell him, "If you don't love your parents enough
to take care of them, why should I?" I tend to have the same situations with family members. I had to
put my foot down with them. I got tired of holding them up, but without any gratitude from them, or feeling
like I really made a difference. Believe it or not, if you stop taking care of them, someone WILL step in to
do it. But, you have to SAY it, MEAN it, and DO it. You already have a heart condition. You didn't sign up
for this. They're your in-laws, but they're not YOUR responsibility. Ultimately, all you get from this is
premature aging and health concerns of your own. What does your son get from this? He needs you. Who's going
to take care of him if something happens to YOU? Your husband?!! His parents?!! I know a bit about your
situation because people take advantage of me all the time. I'm working on that. I think that if you start
taking care of you, everything will fall into place. Good luck and God Bless. -
Terri
Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love
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