Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - May 23, 2007
May 23, 2007

Dear Renee: First of all, when you call a radio show, you know that you do not have time to give all the history behind your pain. You have to give a quick summary of your problem and the host only has a minute or two to give his or her opinion. The primary goal of the show is to entertain the audience and sometimes that is at the caller’s expense. You know at some level that it is the risk you take if you have listened to the show before. I happen to strongly disagree on many things that I hear on the radio and this is definitely one of them. I have always believed in the saying, “A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life. A son is a son till he gets a wife.” You should be your husband’s #1 priority and not his mother! Your feelings should come before his mother’s. What he should say to his mother is, “I am bringing my wife and I hope you can be courteous and respectful towards her.” The truth is that since money and time are not issues, you should be at your husband’s side at his brother’s wedding. If you aren’t welcome, then he should not be going.” You have had these difficulties for years because your husband has not taken a stand and told his mother that your happiness is his first priority and whether she likes it or not, you and he are a team. If she says something hurtful about you, it is hurtful to him. If she says something disrespectful to you, it is disrespecting him. Your husband needs to clearly communicate that his support of you does not diminish the love he has for her. But, it does mean that he will not allow his mother to hurt or disrespect you in anyway. I know that many people will think that this is too harsh, but in this case I definitely think that you should take a stand and tell your husband, “If you get on that plane by yourself, do not bother to come home!” It is time your husband cuts the apron strings, stands up for his marriage and becomes the man who deserves your love.  – Dr. Ellen

Advice column responses to the man whose wife was jealous of his ex-wife and the time he spent with his biological children, especially his 12 year old. His wife did not feel that the weekends they have without the children counts as "quality time". She expects him to get a sitter and get rid of the children on the weekend they are there. He has told her over and over to "not make him choose" between his children and her.He feels that they are a family and wants to have good times instead of being resented for having children. He does try to make time for just he and his wife and do something at least once a week. But on the weeks they don't have kids, she doesn't give him any credit. She continually resents him for the time he spends with the kids when they are with them. He wanted to know what he could say to his wife to make her understand that he can love his children and her at the same time. 

Dear Stan: I am 21 and the child of a father who has compromised his and my relationship due to the insecurities of his wife. I've have been through a lot of things in my life so far and handled them all with grace but my one sore spot is my relationship with my dad. Nothing has hurt me more than to see that his and my relationship can never be what it should because of my presence being a constant threat to his wife. They've been married for 10 years and I have over this time had very little one on one time with him, have missed out on having him visit me when I've lived in different states, and have even just missed out on having a comfortable relationship with him without anxiety or stress. What hurts most about everything is not just that I don't have the relationship I deserve with my father, what really hurts is that he is going to spend the rest of his life with a woman that cannot see out of her own world long enough to understand the damage she is causing. What hurts is that she doesn't even consider my fathers need to have a relationship with his children more important than her own need for his undying attention. I just don't understand why anyone would want to be in a relationship that forces someone to compromise the most important relationships in life. Kids are first, we need you the most, everything is second. The hurt that my relationship with my father has imposed on me has effected how I relate to everyone, to myself and to the whole world. - Katie 

Dear Stan: I sympathize with your situation and can only imagine how frustrated you must feel when even your good intentions are fuel for your wife's fire.  I too have had terrible jealousy issues with my husband and finally realized that even if I eliminated everyone from his life I would still find something to be jealous and controlling about.  Like Dr. Kreidman said, my issues developed as a result of abandonment and disinterested, divorced parents. In addition to what Dr. Kreidman said, you might also want to tell your wife that you love her dearly and are interested in helping her figure out what is making her so unhappy. My husband did that and at first I was totally offended but once I cooled off I realized that I really did not want to be that way and wanted to make a change to be happy and secure. Let her know that you will make the journey with her no matter how difficult it might be and are only bringing it up because you truly care about her and her happiness. You really have nothing to lose. Hopefully she will be willing to at least consider looking inside herself and taking some personal responsibility in making the marriage work. If she won't then it sounds like the marriage is not worth the effort for her. Good luck. - Jess

Dear Stan: I was in the same situation with my ex-husband’s kids, etc. and I understand Dr. Ellen’s advice. I was like your wife - insecure and unsure. However, my husband did nothing to alleviate those fears and insecurities. I would venture to say that you have played a part in this. If your wife felt number one in your life – which she should be – then she probably couldn’t be as insecure. What can you do to pump her up, to make her feel important? I bet she’s not feeling as important to you as your kids – and yes, there are 2 different types of love going on here, but YOU may be setting them up, one against the other, maybe not even realizing that’s what you’re doing. As in all things, look at yourself first and see what you are doing to help or hurt the situation. You can either make it or break it here. Go beyond what is necessary if you want to keep her. Believe me, if you make her feel secure, she’s not going anywhere. 

That’s what she’s looking for and not finding. So she’s making an issue of the kids, when it’s really not about the kids. She’s not getting what she needs from you. - Deb

Dear Stan: About the new and current wife you have, she is selfish about not understanding that your children need you at this time, and she should have known better since she knew right from the beginning when you two met, that you have children from a previous marriage. I was married to a man who accepted my three boys at the beginning of our marriage and then later he would get so upset when I spent time with them. He wanted all of me to himself. I told him that he had to accept them if he really loved me. Well, to make the story short, this marriage ended in divorce because of his insecurity and immaturity for not accepting my kids. Now I am married again and when I married this other man I only had two kids left. He was wonderful and grew up with them in so many ways. I can give you only the advice of someone who has gone through it already. If she doesn't understand that you have children who you have to take care and love and if she doesn’t want to be part of your life with them, then all I can tell you is that your marriage is not worth it. – Nikki

Dear Stan: I recently married a man that has his child 3 days a week, and I have my child 7 days a week. There is not another parent or family member involved in my child's life. It's been just her and I for 10 years and a very tough road doing it all alone. Although I had much doubt about getting married, I held onto hope that things will be better. When we married in August 2006, it was a horrible nightmare. My husband ignored my child on a daily basis, or would only speak to her in a very authoritative, demanding tone. He eventually started going out 4 nights a week with his friends, leaving my daughter and myself behind. Ignoring me as if we didn't live in the same house, barely any type of communication. The emotional destruction and breaking of her spirit and my spirit left me feeling so helpless, hurt and mislead. I left after 3 months. We've done marriage counseling, but still no changes. He only wants to see me when I have a sitter for my daughter, otherwise it is nothing. I need to raise my daughter in a healthy loving home, a safe place emotionally, a positive trusting home. Together, this could not happen. We've been apart now for 6 months and still no effort from him to build a relationship with my child. Believe me, I am beside myself, crushed. I did have to choose, and I chose my child. My husband needs to be a positive role model for my child, not a person that is looking to destroy her self confidence and cause much unhappiness and much pain. Please think very hard whether your wife is willing to embrace your children. If she loves you, she should welcome your children.  Good luck to you. - Karen

Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love lives." We invite you to visit her website at www.lightyourfire.com. Dr. Kreidman also provides advice for a fee via 15 and 30 minute scheduled appointments by phone. Call 1-800-310-1732 to schedule.