Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - June 06, 2007 June 06, 2007
Dear Dr. Ellen: I
finally got up the courage to write to you. I'm 25 years old, married and blessed with one daughter. My husband
is a good provider and loves our family so much. To give us all a better financial future, my husband decided
to work abroad. The fact that he's a thousand miles away from me leaves me very lonely. My problems began when
I met my ex boyfriend who I used to date during my college days. It was out of nowhere that he just suddenly
stopped seeing me. I never really knew why. We lost communication for almost five years. It had been such a
long time and we were both so happy when we saw each other again. He told me that he had been looking for me
for quite a while, because he wanted to start dating me again. He was shocked to find out that I was married.
He told me he's still in love with me and his love for me grew even stronger when he saw me again. He said he's
hurting so much, knowing that I am no longer available and that he still wants to be friends. I continued our
friendship and we began see each other often. My big mistake was to let him express his feelings and affection
towards me. He made feel very special and I can feel that he truly loves me. At first, I really didn’t
feel anything and thought it would be great to have him as a friend. Then I realized that I'm actually falling
for him as well. Guilt rushed over me and my conscience bothered me so much. I tried to tell him that we should
stop seeing each other but he told me that he cannot afford to lose me for the second time. He begged me not to
stop seeing him. He said he'd rather die than lose me again. Please help me. I'm really confused & I don't
know what to do. I love my husband so much. And I hate myself for betraying him. I want to stop and avoid my ex
but I'm afraid that something bad might happen to him. What should I do? -
Irene
Dear Irene: I am so glad that you
found the courage to write to me. You already know exactly what to do because your conscience has already
told you to break off this relationship. You are cheating on your husband by having an emotional affair
with this man. One of the ways that you can tell if you are doing something wrong is to turn the situation
around. If your husband was in touch with an old girlfriend who still loved him, how would you feel knowing
he was sneaking behind your back and meeting her? Then, if you confronted him, he told you that the only
reason he continues to see her is because she has threatened to kill herself if he stopped. The man you are
seeing is very troubled. A man who truly loves a woman does not drop out of her life without an
explanation. Then, years later, when he is bored or lonely, he looks you up. When he finds out that you are
married and unavailable, he starts to pursue you even more. A man with morals and character would not do
that. A well-adjusted, healthy man would not tell you that, “he’d rather die than stop seeing
you.” Whether you realize it or not, this man has the characteristics of a stalker and could cause you
a lot of future heartache. A stalker usually starts with small, annoying, persistent actions and completely
disregards your request to end the relationship. He will stop at nothing and might even contact your
husband. You are truly playing with fire!
If you are too lonely and unhappy with your
situation, then the right thing to do is tell your husband that you cannot continue living like this. Let
him know that you are too lonely and either you make arrangements to join him or he comes home and finds a
job nearby. Yes, you might have to live a simpler lifestyle but you might decide that it’s worth it if
you can be together as a family. You never mentioned how long your husband intended to stay overseas but
I’m going to assume that it is for quite a while. I personally do not believe in long distance
marriages for an indefinite amount of time. They never seem to work out because both spouses are too lonely
and they become disconnected.
If you truly have feelings for this man and want to
continue seeing him, then, rather than living a double life, married and pretending you are single, you owe
it to your husband to be honest and tell him that you don’t want to stay married. Then you can see
this “Romeo” for as long as you want. My guess is that if you were available he would run! He
does not want a wife and child. He is using you to make his life exciting and is the type of man who wants
what he can’t have. The more you resist, the more he wants you. Don’t use him to fill the
emptiness in your heart. Use your confusion to take a long, hard look at your marriage and maybe the
sacrifice that your husband is asking you to make, is simply too much.
I also want to add that your ex-boyfriend’s life
is in his own hands. He did just fine without you for 5 years and he will continue to do just fine when you
tell him that you will not be seeing or talking to him again. – Dr. Ellen
Advice column responses to the
woman whose husband would not allow his wife and daughter to attend his brother’s wedding which was to
take place in Europe. His mother and his wife do not get along and her husband always takes his mom’s
side. The reason he didn’t want her to go with him was that he didn’t want her to fight with his
mom or get mad at him for spending time with his mom. Renee was hurt because she didn’t feel that she
would do that. Money and time were not an issue because she is a stay at home mom. Renee called a radio show
and felt the host was cold and harsh. She was told that she should be happy that she was not going and should
not get mad at her husband. Renee feels that she is always nice to him and tries very hard to be a good wife
and daughter-in-law. Her husband always finds something to complain about. She wanted to know if she was
justified in feeling hurt because this was her husband’s only brother that was getting married. She
did not agree with the advice she received from the radio host.
Dear Renee: I have to agree with Dr.
Ellen on this one and I would do the same thing. If he gets on the plane without you then you should run the
other way. You (and his little girl) should be first in his eyes and he should want you and his daughter
at the wedding. How often does his mother get to see her granddaughter and she would turn you both away
instead of being nice. She should be chomping at the bit to spend time with your little girl. How
sad for you and your daughter. My husband and I have had our arguments with each other's families but we
seem to stand next to each other to combat the issues instead of against each other. Maybe he should try
standing in your shoes. As for the radio host, she is an idiot. -
Carrie
Dear Renee: I am a marriage
counselor with over thirty years of experience in the counseling profession and have dealt with many
situations similar to yours. I agree with Dr. Ellen's advice to you wholeheartedly. The last place
I would take my problems would be on the AIR---and for the reasons Dr. Ellen explained so well. As much
as I enjoy watching some of Dr. Phil's shows, I'm not convinced that's the best forum to deal with sensitive,
intimate issues in people's lives. I would never advise any of my clients to do that, and I certainly
wouldn't do it myself! As for her advice about your husband and your mother-in-law, I would only add
that the responsibility to resolve the relationship problems between you and them goes both ways---or should
I say three ways? You can't change them, so don't even try! You can only change yourself. Your
only hope is to change the way you are approaching these relational problems with your husband and
mother-in-law. Perhaps by you changing and approaching it differently than you have in the past
(hopefully in a positive, "take the high road" way), that they will have to deal with you
differently? Maybe that will cause them to make some changes? I don't mean to "give in,"
but go about it with a more positive, solution-oriented attitude. Meet them half way, maybe more than
half way, starting, of course, with your husband. Go about it in a way that gives a message that you are
committed to save a marriage in spite of your mother-in-law, but that he must be willing to meet you in the
middle of the road, so to speak, in order for it to work. What is the price tag you are willing to put on
your marriage? As for your mother-in-law, when was the last time you had a good one-on-one conversation
with her (hopefully positive)---just the two of you---to try and understand the core issues between you and
come up with some possible solutions? Is that posssible? Unfortunately, there are no guarantees
for success in any of this, but they might be worth the effort, if you haven't already tried them. I
definitely recommend you and your husband (and maybe your mother-in-law with you, some day?) get into some
counseling to try and sort this entire thing out. - Larry
Dear Renee: Hallelujah for Dr.
Ellen’s response. My husband and I are divorced. Perhaps it is something that might have been avoided if
I had put my foot down years ago. Instead, his respect for me disappeared, no matter how much nicer I was
towards him. Sure, we had our battles as most couples do. But I gave away my power and I didn't realize it
back then. Bravo, Dr. Ellen. Tell our sisters not to give away their power and to stand up for what that
marital day was all about. He made a commitment to his wife, not to his mother. -
Vicki
Dear Dr. Ellen: Your response is NOT
too harsh! She should say exactly what you told her to say: take me with you or don't come home. Until she
draws the line she will keep suffering in this marriage. She can't change him or control his actions; she can
only state her needs and feelings and act in accordance with them. I like to think of marriages as an
equation, in which A + B = C, where A is yourself, B is your spouse, and C is the relationship. In order to
change C, all she has to change is A, because whether or not B changes is entirely B's choice. By drawing the
line you suggest she is making a big, important change in A. -Stephen
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