Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - June 20, 2007 June 20, 2007
Dear Dr. Ellen: My
wife and I have been in marriage counseling for five years and things have gone from bad to rock bottom! We
started five years ago. We were having some marriage problems and wanted to get an objective point of view.
Well, we have been faithfully coming twice a month and now we are in a position where we are both ready to file
for divorce. It now seems that there are three people in our marriage and we can’t seem to make a move
without consulting our counselor. I can’t tell you how many times a week my wife or I will say, “I
need to run this by John” or we better not make a decision until we see what John thinks.” I realized
how insane this whole thing was last week when my company asked me to go to the west coast for a few days to
finalize a deal with a new client. My immediate thought was, “I have to check with John to see if he
thinks this would take too much time away from the family.” I know it’s crazy but I feel that we need
to find a therapist that can help us detach from our therapist. My question for you is, that after 5 years, is
it time to say goodbye and fend for ourselves? - Ted
Dear Ted: Since you are the one
who said that it has gone from “bad to rock bottom,” it is clearly time to move on. It is a shame
that, instead of giving you the tools you needed to solve your problems, your therapist has manipulated you
both into thinking that you can’t make a move without consulting him. It is the same crippling
upbringing that many children get. The goal in child rearing is to give your child roots and then wings. It
ought to be the same when couples go to a therapist for help with their problems. I am sure that you are
not alone and many couples are having the same dilemma. Therefore, my suggestion would be to give the
therapist a deadline to end therapy and tell him that you would like a summary of what needs to be done on
your own. Perhaps a follow-up session to see how you are doing would help. Hopefully some of my subscribers
can share their story of dependency and how they finally found the strength to make their own decisions.
– Dr.
Ellen
Advice column responses to the
woman who whose husband decided to work abroad. The fact that he was now a thousand miles away left her
feeling very lonely. Her ex boy-friend, who she used to date in college, contacted her. He had been looking
for her for a long time. Although he was shocked to find out that she was married, he wanted to maintain a
friendship with her. They began to see each other often and she allowed him to express his feelings to her.
When she realized that she started to have feelings for him as well, she tried to break it off. He said that
he could not afford to lose her a second time and he would rather die than lose her again. He begged her to
continue seeing him. She was so confused and hated herself for betraying her husband. She wanted to stop
seeing him but was afraid that something bad might happen to him and wanted to know what to
do.
Dear Irene: My heart went out to you
as I read your letter. I truly understand your fears, your loneliness, and your confusion as I went through a
similar situation a couple of years ago. Please, I urge you to listen to Dr. Ellen's advice. She speaks the
truth. I have gone through so much
pain due to my own emotional infidelity (because, like you, I was too afraid to end it). When I finally found
the courage and strength, the "other man" didn't harm himself as I feared he would. He immediately
began dating another woman (just three days after I asked him to stop calling me...and to think he had
claimed over and over again that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me). By then, my
marriage was in a state of shambles, and I was left with nothing. My only hope was Dr. Ellen's program (which
I discovered by chance). Since then, my husband and I have worked hard (and are still working) to repair
it.
I promised myself, if I could someday help another
person avoid this pain, I would. Dr. Ellen has given you excellent advice. Please, please listen to her.
- Amy
Dear Irene: All I can say is, this guy
is MANIPULATING you, big time! He is giving you all his sob-stories, and it is emotional black-mail! I once
had a boyfriend who told me never to break up with him before exams, or he would fail! And this had happened
to him once before. It was just before exams that I knew I had to end our relationship, and his threat hung
like a noose over my head. But when I made, what was the right decision for me, it set me free, and he still
passed!
You are committing emotional adultery, which you
probably don't realize. No relationship/friendship should be based in guilt and manipulation. Come clean,
tell him you're telling your husband, whom you love, whom you're married to, and who is the father of your
child. Once it's out in the open, his threats will lose their power. He has no right to you! End it
completely, and a weight will fall from your shoulders! Be strong, you won't regret it. -
Jeanette
Dear Irene: Run in the opposite
direction from your ex-boyfriend as fast as you can and also be honest and let your husband know about this
so that it cannot be used as blackmail against you by your ex. There is a darn good reason why he is an
"ex" and another darn good reason why he is still single. Any man that would interfere in somebody
else’s marriage, is no man. He has no respect for you, your husband, your child, the sacred bonds of
marriage or even any respect for himself, for that matter. There's a saying that I heard that I would like to
share with you and others. "The best revenge on a man who steals another man's wife is to let him have
her."
The right or wrong decision is yours to make and I
think you already know which one is which. - Patti
Dear Irene: I'm a "wee" bit
older than you, and from the voice of experience, if this college boyfriend and you were meant to be, he
wouldn't have just simply left or you would have known why. He clearly hasn't grown up, and (pardon me for
being blunt and harsh) he has a commitment phobia.
You have a wonderful man who has stood by you, and you
would want to jeopardize this for a man who left you once? Not only left you once, but made you wonder why?
Do you really want to subject your child to a divorce and a guy who will leave you high and dry? You think
you're lonely now -- you'll lose your husband, and this guy will be no where to be found. Trust me, he'll
survive another day if you end this relationship. He loves himself too much to do anything. I wish I had a
quarter for every man I ever dated like him. Good luck and God bless. -
Terri
Dear Irene: I agree with Dr. Ellen.
Your conscience is telling you what to do. Tell this ex that you love your husband, despite the fact he's
thousands of miles away - that you value your wedding vows and that he should take a hike. Don't fall for his
threatening to kill himself. He knows you still care about him and he's using that against you. If you were
available he'd be running the other way. Don't trust anyone who just disappeared out of your life with no
explanation and then just reappeared like nothing had happened. You have a child to think about as well. What
is this child thinking when he is around? What would this do to your child if you were to divorce your
husband just because this other guy 'apparently' loves you and you have unresolved feelings for him? Resolve
them! Think about yourself and your family's future, not the ex and whether he'll kill himself! Get over him.
Kick him to the curb and get on with your life!! You'll be happier for it and once he knows that you are
serious about your marriage, he'll get on with his life as well. - Alice
Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love
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