Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - Jule 11, 2007 July 11, 2007
Dear Dr. Ellen: I
have been happily married for 20 years but recently I found out that my husband has been talking daily to one
of my closest friends. I didn’t know anything about it! This friend worked with him for a while and then
my husband got transferred to another office in January. Ever since then they have been talking mornings,
evenings and weekends on their cell phones. I only found out when her husband found her cell phone bills and
noticed the many calls to and from my husband on a daily basis, all hours of the day and night. Both claim that
it was innocent conversation and that they just enjoyed talking with each other. I went through all my
husband's stuff to see if there was anything romantic going on with her but I couldn't find anything.
He says he loves me and only me. Now her husband does not talk to mine. We have mutual friends and it’s
very hard to avoid each other without all of them finding out why. I feel betrayed by both my husband and my,
so called, friend. This friend is someone I was talking to several times a day on a daily basis and she never
once mentioned that she speaks to my husband. My husband says he didn't think he was keeping a secret as
such and that it just never got mentioned. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel so sad and depressed
sometimes and although I talk to my "friend", I don't trust her anymore and sometimes feel I hate
her. I did enjoy her friendship so much and still talk to her but it’s just not the same. I feel resentful
toward my husband as well. Please advise me. Thank you so much for your help. -
Fran
Dear Fran: I certainly
understand why you are sad and depressed. I think that most people finding out that their spouse was
spending that much time having private conversations with their good friend would feel exactly the same
way. However, I am shocked that after you found this out, you still continue to talk to your friend. At
least your friend’s husband’s behavior is appropriate!
Based on what you wrote, your husband was having, at
the very least, an “emotional affair,” and that cheats you out of the emotional connection he
should be having with you. Make no mistake, every single "emotional affair" starts out harmlessly
but usually doesn’t wind up staying that way. There will be many times in your marriage where you are
arguing and not getting along. If your husband has another woman to confide in, those brief times become
longer as he begins to think, "This other woman really understands me."
If this woman is truly a "friend" then she
is a friend to both of you and would call your house on a regular telephone to speak to either you or your
husband. This was definitely not the case. They would have continued their private relationship, which
would have escalated had her husband not discovered the phone calls. There is something lacking in both of
their lives that made them reach out to each other. My guess is that you caught this early enough before
more damage was done. Now that you know, your husband should respect you enough to promise never to call
this woman again and end the ‘emotional affair’ that they were having. Then, if I were you, the
next time she calls, I would let her know that you feel betrayed and omitting the truth is hurtful and
deceiving and you therefore have nothing more to say to her.
Then it’s time for you and your husband to
listen to my programs so that you can reconnect with each other again. What I have told thousands of women
in your situation is, “Use the pain of this situation as a wake up call.” In order for you to get
past this, you are going to have to ask yourself a very hard question, "What is lacking in my marriage
that made my husband want to emotionally connect with another woman?" I know it’s easy to blame
your husband and the other woman, but this is a question you must ask yourself. Use this time to start
building the type of marriage that is so fulfilling and loving, that you will never have to worry about
this happening ever again. This could not have happened if the two of you were deeply connected.
- Dr.
Ellen
Advice column responses to the
man who had been seeing a marriage counselor for five years. Things had gone from bad to rock bottom. They
went because they were initially having some marriage problems and wanted to get an objective point of view.
They had faithfully gone twice a month and they were now in a position where they were both ready to file for
divorce. Ted felt that there were now three people in their marriage and they couldn’t make a move
without consulting their counselor. He felt that he had to find a therapist to help him and his wife detach
from their therapist. He wanted to know whether it was time to say goodbye and have them fend for
themselves.
Dear Ted: How many revolving
helpless couples does it take to make a lousy therapist rich? We were involved with a doctor who kept us
coming back until we realized all he was really doing was getting rich off our insurance company. After six
months, there was no progress to any end of things being fixed. My husband finally cancelled the next
appointment and does not return calls from the doctor office to please reschedule. We have figured out how to
fix the problem ourselves and are doing just fine. And the insurance money will be there for when we really
need it instead of being wasted by someone who needs a monthly income to keep all of his expensive toys.
Start making decisions together that meet both your needs; learn from your mistakes to know what it takes to
make a better decision the next time. In the process you'll learn to trust each other's opinions and
know what it is to be there for each other. Everyone processes things differently and learning the
differences can be a help in coming to a united decision. It's like learning a new language. At first you
think you'll never get it; then all of a sudden it connects and it's not a struggle anymore.
You'll still meet difficulties on the way but you will have what it takes to get through it one more
time. - Fran
Dear Ted: Any therapist that does not
respect your personal values, morals and the ownership of your own life is not worth 5 minutes of your time,
let alone 5 years. Not only is it time to find some new help, it's time to tell "John" to take
a walk. The fact that you've been manipulated for so long indicates that John needs more oversight in his
practice and that he likely has a similar hold on his other patients. Assuming he's licensed, complaints
to the licensing agency and a State review board would be appropriate. Further, complaints to your health
insurance provider relations department would be another way to voice concern. Your insurance company needs
to get him out of their network (assuming he's in network) so that other members will not fall into the
same trap. - Aaron
Dear Ted: When I read your letter
seeking advice from Dr. Ellen, I cannot help but to reply. I just got back from a long trip and checking
email, however, I cannot let this day go by without replying. My advice is to follow Dr. Ellen's advice.
I came to her about a month ago because obviously I was having marital problems. My husband would not go to a
marriage counselor even though I urged and pleaded that we should go because I wanted to save our marriage of
36 years. He just wouldn’t do it.
I do not have anyone I can share my problems with so I
searched the internet and found Dr. Ellen's website. I wrote to her and she quickly responded to my email
on a weekend, I must add. I liked what she told me. Then I called her office and blocked a half hour phone
call to speak to her. That was the best investment I made. She suggested that we listen to her program and my
husband agreed to that. That was the best advice. My marriage is not where I want it to be at this time,
however, I have seen a significant improvement. Bottom line is, I am happy that we did not go a marriage
counselor. - Joy
Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love
lives." We invite you to visit her website at www.lightyourfire.com.
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