Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - August 1, 2007
August 01, 2007

Dear Rebecca: You are not being unfair and unreasonable. It is your mother who is doing a good job of that. I guess in your case, blood is not thicker than water. Generally, the bonds of a family are stronger than those bonds that develop between someone who marries into the family. My guess is that your ex has purposely gotten your mother and sister to sympathize with him. I’m sure that he has done a great job making himself out to be the victim in your divorce. I have spoken to many men who have bragged about getting everyone in their ex’s family to side with them. They have spent hours on the phone and personal visits to each member’s home in order to make them see what villans their ex-wives have been. Your desire for your mother to accept and respect your new husband is reasonable. Your request that she limit her contact with him by phone or brief visits, is very appropriate, considering that you are still having difficulties with a property settlement and emotions are still running high. It sounds like you are sensitive and respectful that your mom has had a 27 year relationship with your ex and you are not requesting that she end that. What you are requesting is sensitivity to your new life and a supportive mother while you are still going through a difficult time with your ex. My suggestion would be to continue to distance yourself from your mother and sister as long as they continue to sabatoge your new life. Hopefully at some point, you can invite your mom and sister over to your home and show your own videos at Christmas with your new husband interracting with each of your children. -  Dr. Ellen

Advice column responses about the woman who had been happily married for 20 years when she found out that her husband was having an emotional affair with one of her closest friends. They were talking mornings, evenings and weekends on their cell phones. Both claim it was nothing more than innocent conversation. Fran feels sad and depressed because, although she still talks to her friend, it is not the same. She doesn’t trust her or her husband anymore and wanted to know what to do. 

Dear Fran: I was in a similar situation where there was someone that I called to vent to about a relationship that my husband had with another woman. I thought a man's point of view would be helpful. This old friend was also my boss. The energy spent by me telling my problem and lamenting about it was not productive since it left out my spouse. The friend told me that I was wonderful and beautiful, and what in the world was my husband thinking? (which was exactly what I needed to hear) Confiding in an outsider can distance the couple even further especially since one or both are vulnerable at that time. In my situation the FRIEND offered me comfort of the closest kind and this was my wake up call.  It also made me wonder just how close any male friend could really be to a woman without having sex as a motive.  I was more cautious after my personal experience. Older and wiser. - Mary

Dear Fran: I have been in a similar situation as you; only my husband and "friend" ended up having a physical affair in addition to their emotional affair. I wasn’t innocent either, though, and I also had 2 emotional affairs. I knew what I was doing was wrong because I kept it secret from my husband. If your husband feels what he was doing was innocent, he does not realize yet that it was not. He was not telling you about the conversations with your friend; and, although there may not have been anything physical, he wasn't openly sharing that information with you and that is betrayal. It just so happened that my husband and I both betrayed each other in different ways, but it had the same effect. We were lucky enough to realize what we had done and did use that as a wake up call. He and I have both listened to Dr. Ellen's "Light Your Fire" and would highly recommend it! She really has a great way of helping both of you become better connected. As far as my "friend" and her husband are concerned, we cut all ties with them as well. There are still days where I miss the fun times we shared with them, but what is more important is that we have more fun times together, as a happy couple. I wish you and your husband luck; you will be in my thoughts and prayers. A shoulder to lean on. - Amber

Dear Fran: I empathize with your situation. From experience of your point-of-view, your husband knew exactly what he was doing, as did your friend.  If there was nothing to hide, you would have overheard him on the cell during one of these "calls".  Your friend would have mentioned it (i.e.: something your husband said, something she said to him, etc.) in passing. I completely agree with your friend's husband!!  I suggest you have a heart to heart with your husband on how you feel. Ask him:  how he would feel if the situation was "your and one of his best friends?". Does he understand your feelings, & would he be willing to "break-off" the friendship with this other woman so you two can have a chance to heal?  You, Fran, need to be able to trust him again. Otherwise, you'll always be checking his cell activity. It will always sit in the back of your mind that he was betraying you.  Remember, this is not necessarily jealousy, this IS your marriage. - Diane 

Dear Fran: Your husband IS having an emotional affair--and this woman is NOT your friend. Let me explain, as the EXACT same thing happened to me. Although my friend’s husband did not find out (until later), I did. I demanded that my husband STOP, and after four years of suspensions, he finally admitted that he was, in fact, having an emotional affair. He moved out. My friend has never returned my phone calls, to give me an explanation, has never faced me. We too had mutual friends, but I have found out who my true friends are. Don't, under any circumstances, feel as if you did something wrong, or minimize their actions. In this day and age, cell phones, emails, etc. make it extremely easy for people who have alternative motives to contact each other. YOU have done nothing wrong, except, not tell this woman what she was doing was wrong. You don't understand it, more than likely because you would not do this to a friend of yours. End the relationship and if people ask-- tell them the truth. She was too involved with your husband and you feel you have to protect your marriage from her. The truth is the truth. Stop feeling obligated to her, and start defending your marriage. 

My husband moved back home, but it is under the strict rules, that if he ever contacts her, or visa versa, it would be over. My husband has changed his cell phone number 3 times, to assure this woman does not call him. She has also told the entire town, that I made up this stuff-- however, that is not the case. It was not made up. Protect your marriage. Have your husband change his cell number. It's not innocent. If your friend isn't telling you she doesn't talk to your husband, she's hiding it. The same was happening to me, in fact, she used to find out from my husband, what we were doing for dinner, then call me, and invite herself. If you don't stop it now-- it's just going to get worse. Good luck. - Judy

Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love lives." We invite you to visit her website at www.lightyourfire.com. Dr. Kreidman also provides advice for a fee via 15 and 30 minute scheduled appointments by phone. Call 1-800-310-1732 to schedule.