Can't stand my best friend having a girlfriend January 02, 2002
Dear Dr. Ellen: I hope you can help me with my problem. Two years ago, I began a friendship with a male. We became best friends. We did everything together. We watched movies, studied, ate, and talked hours on the phone every night. Our mutual friends would tease us most of the time as having a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but I would tell them that we were just close friends, nothing more.
Then, late last year he started to change. He did not call me every night and he was not as caring as before. A few days later, he told me he was seeing another girl and few months later, they were dating seriously.
Soon after those things happened, I realized how insensitive I was. I was too insensitive to appreciate his sweet, thoughtful gestures for the past many months.
My best friend and his girl have been together for 6 months now but why is it, Dr. Ellen, that I can’t stand to see them together? I know I can’t do anything about it anymore and that’s why I am trying my very best to accept the fact that they are together now and that he cannot be my closest friend anymore, the friend that I can be with almost all the time. I know I should have coped better by this time, but why is it that a single thought of his girlfriend, or them together, drives me nuts? In fact, our enrollment this June is driving me crazy already! (By the way, we are all from the same school) I don’t want to bump into both of them! I just can’t smile when I see them both together, or even worse, say hello. Dr. Ellen, why am I acting this way? How can I get them out of my mind? (I did many things that I love to do to keep me busy but they’re still there hanging onto my thoughts!) Someday, I’d like to be able to be friends with both of them. Thank you for giving me this avenue to reach you and unload my burden. Hope to hear from you soon Dr. Ellen. - Anita
Dear Anita: It is very upsetting to see someone who was your best friend, cut you off and act detached, like nothing ever happened. Your thoughts keep gravitating back to the past when you felt so close, shared so many experiences and really felt understood and comfortable with each other. It hurts to have that disappear. The pain and frustration you feel is justified and it's going to take time to heal the void that you are experiencing. You had a wonderful relationship with this person and you were not prepared to lose him so soon. Many people feel exactly the way you do when they have had a close relationship with their sister, brother or adult child. All of a sudden, their best friend is gone and now sharing their thoughts and time with someone else.
The thing you shouldn’t do is to second guess yourself and think, "If I had acted differently, he'd still be in my life." I don't think you are being fair to yourself. I think what you had was a special friendship which lacked the chemistry needed for a romantic relationship. He has now found that in someone else and it's normal for you to feel jealous.
He will always have a special place in your heart and no one can take away the wonderful memories you've shared. In the future when you fall deeply in love and connect with a man on an emotional, spiritual and physical level, you'll finally be able to see that this relationship served a purpose for a limited amount of time and it was never meant to be anything but a friendship. As you continue to mature and look back on your life you'll see that many people come and go and are in our lives for a short time. Others are meant to be around for a long time or even a lifetime.
Unfortunately, time is the only thing that will heal the frustration, hurt and pain you feel - NOTHING ELSE. It takes time to get over a relationship with someone you cared about. Everyone has a different time clock. Give yourself permission to grieve your loss and in time it will get less and less painful. If you do bump into them, I know that your heart will pound and your face may be flushed but you can and should say, "Hi" and smile. Act as if you already are what you will be in the future - happy, independent and approachable. This way you always leave the door open, should he need a good friend or shoulder to cry on again. – Dr. Ellen
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