Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a very shy 33 year-old male
who has a problem with people. I have a job that up
to now I love because I deal with computers and not
people. My company has decided to send me out on
sales calls along with a salesman. I am so shy that
I usually have a problem looking people in the eye
and I don't know what to do. I've lost sleep over
this so I decided to see if you have any
suggestions. - Jim
Dear Jim: You obviously have been this way your
entire life so what I am suggesting you do will not
be easy but it will be worth it. This is an
insecurity that you have that I sense you want to
overcome. For whatever reason, you feel that if you
look directly into someone's eyes they will see a
person that they won't like - that you not equal to
them. This is, of course, untrue but if you avoid
your fears they will stay with you forever. So I want
you to force yourself to do it with everyone you meet.
At first, let it be for only a second or two. Then as
that becomes easier, increase the time to 5, then 10
seconds. No matter how uncomfortable it feels, do it
anyway. You will soon see how different people start
reacting to you and you will like how it feels.
Also, look at your posture. Are you standing erect?
Are your shoulders back, your chin lifted, and your
head held high? Confident people walk a little faster
and stand a little taller. Take some afternoon and be
a people watcher. Go to a mall and just watch people
as they pass. You will be amazed at what you can tell
about someone just walking by. Some look like, "I'm
important and have pride in myself" and you can see
they have a bounce in their step. They look confident.
Then there are those whose posture and walk say, "I'm
not confident at all." Pick out a confident person and
walk behind them and mimic their style. Stay far
enough behind so you don't get noticed, after all, I
don't want them to call security because they are
being followed.
I also want you to practice smiling. Smiling is such
a simple act, but powerful medicine. I just saw a
clip of a new video that showed nothing but babies
smiling, one after another. It was an hour-long show
of different babies grinning from ear to ear. You
cannot help but laugh and smile when you see that.
When you smile at someone the message you send is,
"I'm comfortable with myself and I'm happy." People
want to be around people who are happy. Even when I
was scared out of my mind doing a talk show or a
lecture, I always made sure there was a smile on my
face. I know you are saying, "But if I'm scared, how
can I smile?" Like everything else I teach, it takes
practice. The mirror is a great place to start.
Practice when no one is around. Then move to the
outside. Try it in an elevator, try it while your
jogging, try it in a restaurant. Practice looking
into a strangers eyes and if you get really brave you
can add a nice big "Hi" and then a smile and watch
how people react. You will get back what you give out.
One last thing I would like to tell is to voice your
opinion when you are in this new setting. I know
that this will also be really hard for you because
your inner voice says, "If I say something, I'm going
to say the wrong thing" or "My opinion doesn't count
- who cares what I think," or "I don't want everyone
to know how uncomfortable I am." When you decide to
say nothing you reinforce your lack of confidence
every time. All that does is make you feel more
inadequate. The opposite is also true. The more you
speak up, the more confident you will become and the
easier it will be to speak the next time. It doesn't
matter that your heart is pounding, speak anyway. So
from now on, I want you to promise me that you will
make a comment, ask a question or make a suggestion.
At least something will come out of your mouth at the
next meeting, business conference, or family
gathering. Remember action is the quickest way to get
rid of fear and I want you to practice, practice,
practice. - Dr. Ellen
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Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love
lives." We invite you to visit her website at www.lightyourfire.com.
Dr. Kreidman also provides advice for a fee via 15 and 30 minute
scheduled appointments by phone. Call 1-800-310-1732 to schedule.
