He loves my former self, but not me November 21, 2001
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been seeing a wonderful man for over a year now who I knew in college just as a friend. He has been divorced for 5 years and is a very successful lawyer. I am having relationship problems and I can't tell if it is "my stuff" or if I really have an issue. I used to model when I was young. He has pictures of me when I was 18 and on his walls in his bedroom and in his wallet. But he doesn't display or carry any current pictures of me. I am noticing how really angry I am feeling. Do I have a right to be bothered by this?
He also wants my hair short and he wants me to lose 10 pounds. And he offered to pay for me to have laser on my face after he told me that his ex had it and she looks great. I am afraid I have another man in my life that is more impressed with how I look than who I am. I have written on email what concerns me and he never takes the time to respond on email. He just tells me that he probably could never be as open as I would like him to be but he will try.
He loves his toys and gets excited like a little boy - his new skis, his new boat, his airplane etc. He talks mostly about physical things, never any deeper. He does see people in a loving, caring way and I really like that about him. He doesn't find fault in people and usually defends them and gives people the benefit of the doubt. He is sweet, kind, fun, a wonderful dad to his son and daughter, (raised his daughter alone) so he has a lot going for him but I can't decide whether this is my abandonment issues coming up or if I have another impossible relationship. I never feel like we talk about the really important things. It is surface. Am I too sensitive, too deep? Is he a man and this is what you get? - Barbara
Dear Barbara: You have every right to feel exactly like
you do because your feelings are never right or wrong,
Your "stuff" as you put it is exactly that. You are the
sum total of your experiences.
Here is what I tell the men in my program. "A woman
falls in love because of the way she feels about herself
when she's with you. Most women have said that when
they meet "Mr. Right" and they are in love, they feel
beautiful, sexy, special, needed, and she has a RIGHT
to feel like that for the rest of her life. So a truly,
loving relationship is measured by how good she feels
about herself when she's with you."
"Male approval is so important to a woman. A woman's
father is the first man in her life that either gives
approval or doesn't. If a woman didn't have a loving
and doting father, she's going to spend the rest of her
life looking for the approval she never got. As a man,
you have to fill that gap. If you don't, she'll keep
looking until she finds it. It's not something she can
live without."
Barbara, you are talking to a woman who had her breast
removed because of cancer and my husband could care
less. I sat in support groups where women cried because
their men couldn't make love to them anymore. I feel it
is so important for someone to love you for who you are,
especially as we get older. You are not a 19 year-old
girl anymore, you are a woman. Here is a poem that I
have kept for more than 10 years. It was from a book
that is no longer in print called, "Always A Woman" by
Kaylan Pickford.
"She decided to be a model when she was in her late 40's.
Don't tell me I want to look like some barely lived-in face. I have some lines in my face from fifty years of life. They
tell me of years in the sun, of sorrows and joys. They tell
me of time. They tell me I have lived and that I am still
alive. They can't be erased. They can be softened, but not
erased. They are as much a part of me as any part of my
body. Do they offend? Would I be better looking, more
interesting, without them? Would my life become magically
different if they weren't there? If I could have kept my
face smooth and unlined, would the events of my life have
been different? Would I be different? Do I long to be the
smooth-skinned, freckle-faced kid I once was? No. I long
for the same thing today that I longed for then: to be the
best I am able to be. I would feel strange if, looking in
the mirror, knowing what I know, I did not see a line from
life. Smooth skin goes with the young for every good
reason - they have just started. They have living to do."
The fact that he loves his toys, and sees other people in a
caring way and is a great dad is fantastic. But it still
boils down to how you feel about yourself when you are with
him. I have no problem with you wanting your hair short,
losing 10 pounds or getting laser work done. I wanted all
those things as well. The difference is that my husband
said that he loves me just the way I am and if it's
something that I want, it's fine with him. If the man I
loved only carried a picture of me when I was 19 and was
the one suggesting that that I diet, change my hair and
laser my face, I'd feel exactly like you do. You deserve
to have a man who loves you with all his heart and soul
and don't you dare settle for anything less. - Dr.Ellen
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Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love
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