He has not said I love you and is very non-committal November 28, 2001
Dear Dr. Ellen: After 6 months, I have fallen deeply
in love with a man whose wife died 2 years ago from
a brain tumor. He has two small children to raise and
is a great father. I know he cares for me but still has
not said, "I love you" and is very non-committal about
a future together. Whenever I talk about the future I
can feel his uneasiness and his wanting to change the
subject. Do you think I should hang on or am I just
kidding myself to think that I could have a future with
this man? - Betsy
Dear Betsy: It sounds like you are just going to have to
take things very slowly with this man. It has been only 2
years since his wife died of a brain tumor. I have been
involved with the cancer community for quite some
time. It is absolutely devastating to watch a loved one
die of cancer or any disease. I am sure he loved his wife
and I can't imagine the pain he must have felt with her
dying and leaving him with 2 small children to raise. A
divorce is completely different than a death. One is a
choice and the other is not. I am sure, that although he
may not talk about it, he still thinks about his wife and
is deeply hurt by the loss he feels. That is why he is
half-interested and not a good candidate for marriage
at this time.
I think what he needs from you right now is friendship,
compassion and tenderness. In time, he may fall in love
with you but you can't mistake loneliness, pain and
confusion for love. I'm sure when you are together he
enjoys being with you. But left alone, he is still grieving
and dealing with the memory of his wife. There are so
many emotions he feels and the guilt of falling in love
again, may be one of them.
You should live in the present and enjoy yourself with
him. However, if you begin to act needy or desperate,
it will be a turn off to him. If you looking for more time
and commitment, this is not the man who will give it to
you right now. If you can be patient, light-hearted and
not demanding, you may become so much a part of his
life that he won't be able to live without you. It is your
call whether you want to wait. It could easily take him
5 years to get over her death. I know it's not what you
want to hear and I could be wrong, but my experience
tells me that time is the only thing that heals all wounds.
Good luck and remember the saying, "Patience is a
virtue." - Dr. Ellen
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Dr. Kreidman is a recognized leader in the field of relationships. She''s helped tens of thousands of people to "fire up their love
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