Dear Dr. Ellen: I have lived with a woman for two years and although our relationship is going well right now I have to tell her that I am going to move out. My daughter needs to go to a different school. I am now sharing custody with my ex - one week with her mom and one week with me. My daughter has had many problems last year and her mother and I feel like this is the best thing for her. I love my girlfriend and want to continue to still see her but I think she will view this as a step backwards. How can I convince her that it is not and that it is just something I have to do? - Paul
Dear Paul: This is a step back in your relationship. I'm so glad that you are doing what needs to be done for the sake of your daughter. It is admirable to hear that you are more concerned about your daughter's well being than your own.
If your girlfriend doesn't have any children, it may be difficult for her to understand your desire to protect and care for your daughter. Without a future time line that includes marriage, you may lose your girlfriend.
Put yourself in her shoes or better yet, put your daughter in her shoes. Pretend your daughter is all grown up. Would you want her to live with someone for two years who doesn't propose marriage and asks her to understand that he's moving out to be with his daughter? I'm sure you would hope that she was with a man who loved her enough to want to make their union permanent or at the very least had some kind of plan for a future together. I hope that you can become a role model for your daughter.
Having problems in school could be a result of your divorce and coming to visit Dad and his live-in girlfriend.
It is also important to take a hard look at the woman you say you love. Does she care about your daughter and could all three of you get along if she were to become your wife? If the answer is, "No" then you have to realize that you are now a package deal and unless you are with someone who can love you and your child, it is best to move on. If the answer is "Yes" then give your girlfriend a timeline and a ring. - Dr. Ellen
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