Marry after 4 months, sold everything, move to the Carribean December 12, 2001
Dear Dr. Ellen: My reason for writing you today is that earlier this year, I married a kind, considerate, precious, sweet man whom I had known for 4 months, sold or gave away most everything I owned, sold my business and moved myself and my 3 dogs to an island in the Carribean to live "happily ever after." Ellen, when I first visited there, I loved it, but since then I have grown to hate that place and fear it will be the death of me. It is hot, dirty, dusty and I am just plain miserable. I am presently in the states, staying at my parents home, wrapping up some business here and will be heading back down there soon.
I have never met a kinder, more considerate person than this man. He cannot stand the cold and he has metal rods in his body from a previous malignancy and winters here get pretty cold. I want to suggest maybe we think about moving to a "happy medium" location, but I just don't quite know how to go about approaching all of this. I was so determined to make myself love that place for his sake, but I just don't know if I can. Thank you for listening and for your wonderful tapes. - Allie
Dear Allie: Any one of the things you mentioned - marriage, relocating, or giving up a career, takes a tremendous amount of effort and adjustment. You put so much pressure on yourself by experiencing all of the above at the same time. No wonder you are miserable. Humans are creatures of habit and don't do well with quick changes that affect major parts of their life.
A four month relationship that leads to marriage would be difficult enough to adjust to, let alone moving to a place where you know no one. Then on top of that, since you sold your business, you probably have to look for something to do to occupy your time. It's a formula for disaster for anyone, no matter how strong they think they might be. It's all too overwhelming and you are going to have to give yourself permission to mourn your past and be scared, uncertain and uncomfortable for a long period of time.
You need to share your concerns with your husband and tell him that you will give it your all for whatever time period you feel comfortable. (Try to make it at least 1 year) and then I think your suggestion of moving to a "happy medium" location, is a good one. Please approach it from a loving point of view. Tell him how much you love him and you are determined to do everything in your power to adjust to the location for his sake but if you can't after "x" amount of time would he consider moving to another location? He sounds like a wonderful man who will want to do everything in his power to make you happy and needs time to consider the possibility of not staying in the place he calls home.
You may surprise yourself after a certain period of time and grow to love the place. It takes time to make new friends and call a new location, "Home." If you don't make the adjustment, at least you know you gave it your all for a reasonable period of time. That's not quitting and giving up. It's just another chapter in this exciting adventure called, "Life." - Dr. Ellen
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