My boyfriend gave out his phone number to get me jealous December 26, 2001
Dear Dr.Ellen: I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now.
The beginning of this relationship was filled with nothing but joy.
It was very expressive, loving, and sharing.
One year into this
relationship I got the shock of my life. My boyfriend's son's
mother, called me to inform me that she was his wife. I was
devastated for a whole year. He assured me that he would
divorce her and that the only thing that has stopped him from
doing so was the money. He makes a decent living, but taking
care of our household due to lack of funds on my part doesn't
allow him much money for any thing else.
Recently, this
relationship took another twist. After a lot of prodding from me,
my boyfriend told me that he is jealous of a friendship that I've
developed with a new male friend. This guy is someone that I
work with and nothing more than a friend. My boyfriend started
giving out his cell phone number to some females. He claims
that it was to get me jealous because he was hurting and wanted
me to hurt as well.
I know this is a lot of info. I had to leave some
small details out because this story is so long. But, I hope that
you can help me figure this all out. - Cathy
Dear Cathy: Your boyfriend made a choice 3 years ago to have two
women in his life and lie to you about his status. He may not call it
lying but omitting information that may have influenced your
behavior is lying as far as I'm concerned.
He acted as though he
was divorced when in reality he was still married. Since his wife
had your phone # and called, I'm going to assume that he was
doing to her what he's now doing to you. He had an affair with you
and let her know about it so he could get her jealous. Believe me,
it was not by accident that she found out where he was and it was
not by accident that you found out that other women have his cell
phone #. Your boyfriend is a deceitful person who doesn't know the
meaning of love. It is devastating to find out that someone you love
cannot be trusted.
My guess is that you stayed because he was
very convincing in his promise for a future together. You also made
a decision that you would trade loyalty, honesty and truth for
dishonesty, mistrust and disappointment in return for a meal ticket.
His taking care of the household was more important than your own
dignity and respect.
I know I'm being hard on you but you have to
take a good look at your role in this relationship. There is a saying,
"Fool me once and I'm a victim. Fool me twice and I'm a volunteer."
Another way the same thing has been said is, "Fool me once and
shame on you. Fool me twice and shame on me." This is your
second time around and I can only hope that you don't buy into his
lies again.
A person who accuses someone else of flirting when it's
not called for is usually someone who flirts themselves. A person
who accuses someone of cheating for no reason is usually a
cheater themselves. We seem to find character flaws in others that
we possess ourselves. So if he's acting like he is jealous of a
relationship you have, it is only because he cannot be trusted.
The
type of man you are describing has probably been through so much
trauma in his life that it would take years of therapy for him to finally
stop causing pain, turmoil, disappointment, chaos and heartbreak to
the people who love him.
As for you, I know that you are hurting but you have your whole life
ahead of you. You deserve to find a man who loves you with all his
heart and soul and isn't dividing his time between you and other
women. Life is too short to settle for weeds when you can have a
garden. - Dr. Ellen
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