AskPhilippa
the advice column for intelligent single adults
In October 15, 2002,
She published her last AskPhilippa letter :(
More articles by this author

Share this story with others:

digg it

del.icio.us

technorati

furl

Reddit

Dear Philippa, I'm ready to meet the right woman, get married, and start a family. But I have a problem reading body language and maintaining eye contact with women. How can I tell if a woman just wants to date and have fun or is looking for love and marriage? How can I overcome this problem of mine? Can you help? —Gary, Edmonton, Canada

Dear Gary,

Learning to read a woman's body language will certainly help you figure out if someone is interested in you or attracted to you, but it will not indicate the type of relationship that a woman is looking for.

Researchers say that 75% of all adults feel uncomfortable sometime in social or business situations, so don't label yourself as having a problem. Instead find ways to boost your self-confidence. Focus on the things you do well. Show a warm, open smile. Pay other people compliments. Most importantly spend time with people you feel good being around because the more you feel good about yourself the more comfortable you will feel about making eye contact.

The only way to be good at anything in life is to practice it; so for now forget about qualifying women and focus on building your non-verbal communication skills. This will make you a more desirable date. Let's start with eye contact because when someone doesn't make eye contact it not only indicates a lack of interest it can also suggest dishonesty. If you feel too shy to make eye contact then at least look at some part of their face, even straight ahead is better than looking at the floor. Or shift your gaze so you're looking just above the person's head or slightly to the side. Practice looking briefly at other people's eyes when you are in non-threatening situations; try this at work or in the supermarket.

Once you are comfortable with general eye contact you can take it to the next level and make eye contact with someone across a room. Make sure you are smiling at her while you are doing this, hold for a count of two or three, drop your eyes, smile to yourself, then look up a second or two later and if she's still looking your way you'll know she's interested.

In addition to maintaining eye contact, work on what your overall body language is saying. Do you fiddle with things while you talk or put a hand on the side of your face and lean on it? These things indicate that you are nervous and bored. When you sit, stand, or walk, is your posture good, is your head held upright, and are your shoulders back? Do you lean towards the person you're interested in or do you turn your body away from them?

Here are some general guidelines for figuring out if a woman is really interested in you:

-- She crosses and uncrosses her legs and holds eye contact

-- She dangles her shoe on a toe (sandals and pumps not sneakers)

-- She looks at your mouth while you're talking

-- She touches herself around the neckline or throat

-- She leans towards you while she talks

-- She models your gestures

-- She plays with her hair sensually

Be aware that some women know exactly what body language they need to transmit---in other words they're just flirting. Back to my original comment, the only way to know what a woman really wants is to spend time getting to know her. Body language is a useful tool but not a magic formula.

The most important thing to know about women is that they want to be appreciated. They want a confident, relaxed man who shows sincere interest in them. A man who likes and enjoys the company of women will always be popular.

Try focusing on how you feel when you're around a certain woman rather than on how they respond to you. If you feel more comfortable, funnier, and more articulate with someone, then you've probably found someone who is also enjoying you. Trust me Brian, you are already the right guy, when you know that, the right woman will think so too.

—Philippa

To discover "4 Steps to bring the Right Person into your life Right Now!" visit www.meant2be.com or call 888-4-4-STEPS.