AskPhilippa
the advice column for intelligent single adults
In October 15, 2002,
She published her last AskPhilippa letter :(
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Dear Philippa, I'm not ugly. I'm not a geek. I'm just clumsy and shy around females. I've always been shy around women. I want to know how to have the kind of style that attracts women, and how to say the right things. I want that strut, style, and swagger that girls at the clubs I go to love. But when I try it comes off seeming phony. I would like to hear your advice. Don't tell me that I haven't met the right girl yet, how I need to be myself, or other clichés. And please, no dating services or ads either. —Brad, Lisbon, Portugal

Dear Brad,

Asking my advice and then telling me what you don't want to hear makes it difficult for me to point you in the right direction. But I'll interpret your irritated tone as a reflection of your situation. It must be very frustrating to feel so uncomfortable trying to attract and meet women.

Experience shows us that some of the so-called clichés you told me to avoid hold some of the answers you are looking for. When you said you've tried acting like a "cool" guy you make me think of Steve Martin the comedic actor doing his "I'm a suave and cool guy" act. But, guess what, there are some women out there who love the bumbling Steve Martin types. There are women who think shy, sincere guys are preferable over the "Joe Cool" type who is just full of himself.

Let's imagine that I could give you a magic potion that would turn you into everything you want to be—a swaggering babe magnet. What kind of "babes" would you be attracting, game players like you, probably. Maybe that doesn't matter to a guy who just wants to have dates.

But there are no potions or fast fixes. You gain confidence by getting positive reinforcement. You need to be able to practice talking to women where you won't experience cold rejection everywhere you look-like at a club. For a start you need to change your expectations from being "Joe Cool" to being a genuine guy that women naturally like. And that is a doable goal.

No one likes phony people—people who are obviously pretending to be who they're not. Instead of focusing on what you need to become, try to understand women really want in a guy.

Many women like guys who are playful, who can gently tease, and see the world in an amusing way. Women like men who listen to them and show genuine interest in who they are and what they like. Women like guys that look like they are enjoying life-who don't look like they need a date. And, women like men that wear touchable clothes, like silk and suede, in colors that match their eyes. Most of all, women like men who like women as people, men who don't just see them as conquests.

Have you played any sport well? Do you remember how clumsy you seemed when you first picked up a tennis racquet or kicked a soccer ball? It took time and practice to hone your game. Gaining social skills is something that takes time and practice too. You wouldn't go on the tennis court against a pro right away, would you? Of course not, then hanging out at clubs where you are judged the most harshly on how you act and look-not necessarily who you are, is setting someone like you up for failure.

Figure out where you feel the most confident-is it in sports, around music, or at the local cafe. Start talking to women in environments where you already feel good and where you don't have an agenda of asking them out. Just practice talking and being comfortable. This is how you will build your confidence and prepare yourself for when you are ready to ask someone out.

You need to change your negative opinion of yourself. Take off the "clumsy" label and replace it with a positive self-image. Athletes use visualization to accomplish their goals and so can you. In your mind picture yourself confidently talking and laughing with a group of women. See how the women are laughing and enjoying you and how they are even competing for your attention. Play this scene in your head as often as you can and you will change your body chemistry to release substances that make you feel more relaxed and happy when you are around women. A relaxed and happy man is always a babe magnet.

That's my advice, it may not be what you want to hear, but give it a try. There are many other shy men out there who will be grateful you wrote me this letter. Thanks for having the courage to ask for help.

—Philippa

To discover "4 Steps to bring the Right Person into your life Right Now!" visit www.meant2be.com or call 888-4-4-STEPS.