AskPhilippa
the advice column for intelligent single adults
In October 15, 2002,
She published her last AskPhilippa letter :(
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Dear Philippa, After nine months of dating I'm learning things about my boyfriend's past that are making me uncomfortable. He has dated strippers, hookers, models and girls half his age. And while he says he is ready for a mature relationship, he is still checking out every young blonde thing that crosses his path. Has he really changed and why do I feel so uncomfortable? —Belinda, Corpus Christi, TX

Dear Belinda,

One thing struck me right away about your letter. You say that you started to feel this way only after you found out about his past. I can hear a collective "ah-ha" from the people out there who feel that he deliberately kept this information from you.

How you did find all this out? Was it from him or was it from his friends or his ex-girlfriends that you learned about his past? Your answer is very important because at the bottom of all your concerns is the issue of trust.

It is a whole different picture if he told you about his past in an effort to help you understand him better. But if this information crept out like dirt from under the carpet when you caught him in lies or if his well-meaning friends told you, then that is something else again.

We all have pasts. We all have done things we are not proud of so the question is how can we share this information with our girlfriends and boyfriends? Obviously you can't spill the beans on the first date or shortly thereafter. But once you've been seeing someone on a very regular basis I believe you should talk about the kind of life you used to live.

You're not asking for forgiveness or absolution. And you're not expecting judgment. You just want your boyfriend or girlfriend to know that by sharing your past you trust that they will still accept and like you.

It's no good reassuring someone after they find out this information from someone else. You can see why knowing who shared this information with you and why they shared it is pivotal in how I answer your question?

Let's put the judgments aside because they won't do you any good. Most men who date strippers or prostitutes are looking for a sexual relationship and if they're looking for more than that they are in for a very difficult time.

Many men keep looking at "young things" their whole life. Men fantasize about dating models. Men are very visual beings. That doesn't mean they shouldn't respect their girlfriends and wives by being discreet and not blatantly ogling other women.

Men date women half their age, just as some young girls like dating older men. But after you eat a lot of sweets don't you crave something with substance, a meal that will satisfies more of your needs? So your boyfriend used to date Twinkies and walk on the wild side and maybe he is ready for a relationship that is based on more than thrills and ego satisfaction. Maybe he's getting to an age where he wants to start a family.

Instead of trying to find out if he's really changed, focus on what a catch you are and what a lucky guy he would be to have you as his life partner. And if he can't see that for himself and treat you with the appropriate respect, then let him know that someone else can. That kind of confidence and self-worth is more attractive to a man than anything those "wild" women from his past can provide.

—Philippa

To discover "4 Steps to bring the Right Person into your life Right Now!" visit www.meant2be.com or call 888-4-4-STEPS.