AskPhilippa
the advice column for intelligent single adults
In October 15, 2002,
She published her last AskPhilippa letter :(
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Dear Philippa, I have met a wonderful woman who has just come out of a divorce. Other than a few casual dates, I was the first one she started dated. We have been out a few times. We have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company. I don't want to sabotage what I have but how do I approach her about wanting to continue to see her exclusively? I don't want to scare her off and I don't want to miss this opportunity either. —Brian, Lexington, KY

Dear Brian,

It's clear that you are quite smitten with this woman; but hold onto those reigns before you gallop off into the sunset together. Look what you just told me. She is just coming out of a divorce. You like each other, but you've only dated a short while—so you barely know one another.

Of course, it's natural that you should want a sense of permanency when you feel the stirrings of chemistry and potential compatibility—you don't want this woman to slip away. But she has barely started dating again—after how many years of marriage?

And never mind scaring her off, when things move too fast you risk finding yourself less thrilled after the initial exhilaration and chase is over and you are faced with the realities of an exclusive relationship.

Let things play out in their natural time. In a little while talk to your friend casually about how she's enjoying dating again after the divorce. This will give you an idea where she is headed. She may well have decided not to get seriously involved for a certain length of time. If this is the case, it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you; it's probably just something she decided before she met you.

The best thing you can do is to keep things light and continue discovering what you both want as you date each other, and others too. This is what I call discovery dating. And, it is best if you do not get physically intimate with anyone during this stage of dating. When sufficient time has passed you'll both know instinctively when it's time to go to the next level. You need the time to distinguish between what I call "Romantic Fantasia" or "Lust Blindness" and the real thing. You both need this time, and she needs to feel that you are more than just the guy she met on the rebound.

Nothing turns people off more than a sense of neediness or pressure on the part of the other person. You can't put her in some box stamped "Hands Off, Property of Brian'. Exclusivity is a mutual decision based on mutual caring, not a method to capture her before someone else does.

The main thing is you have to sincerely let go of the idea that this woman has to be "the one". She may be, or she may not be, but only time will tell. Let things unfold naturally. Just enjoy the times together without any concern about the outcome and she will find you much more appealing. If you want this relationship to develop into something special, you have to treat it like fine wine and give it the time to breathe and develop it's full flavor. With time she may be the one to suggest that you make the relationship exclusive. Don't lose sight of your own value in this relationship and she'll see the value in you.

—Philippa

To discover "4 Steps to bring the Right Person into your life Right Now!" visit www.meant2be.com or call 888-4-4-STEPS.