AskPhilippa
the advice column for intelligent single adults
In October 15, 2002,
She published her last AskPhilippa letter :(
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Dear Philippa, After dating for eight months, my girlfriend doesn't seem to make any time for us. We never spend time together and she says she's just too busy right now. I told her I love her and that I don't want to break up but I am not happy with the way things are going. I'm used to this situation being the other way around. What should I do? —Keith, Naperville, IL

Dear Keith,

Your letter came at the same time I heard from a woman who said her new boyfriend forgets she exists when he's involved in business. He at least warned her that he was this way when they met. So her dissatisfaction sounds like a case of being faced with reality after falling in love or lust too fast.

In your situation, however, you have spent a fair bit of time with this woman and it's natural that you feel upset that her interest in the relationship seems to be fading. I have no way of knowing why. It could be any number of reasons.

One thing I do know is that when the scales in a relationship are unbalanced and one person becomes the pursuer, it is not a good for either person. You implied that you were used to having women ask for more of your time. While it seems flattering at first, don't you get tired of being "nagged" about spending more time with them? Didn't that ultimately turn you off?

There are people who deal with all kinds of demands in their life and still make you feel like a priority. And there are people who drop their friends when they are dating someone. There are people who chose to spend more time with their friends than their lover. And there are people who always put their work first no matter who is in their lives. We all handle our relationship priorities differently. I call it our basic relationship style. We can't judge people because they do things differently from us. We can only accept the differences, negotiate a reasonable compromise, or move on and find someone with a similar relationship style who will meet our togetherness needs.

It is normal in any relationship to have times when one party seems to be pulling back. And, it doesn't necessarily anything to do with the relationship. It could have to do with some baggage one of you is carrying from previous relationships or just some temporary life stresses. If you really want to communicate with your girlfriend, you need to put aside your pride and hurt feelings and look at things from her point of view. Show genuine interest in her life and what pressures she might be feeling. Let her know you care without placing blame on her. This is how you will reestablish intimacy and bridge the gap between you. At the same time fill your own life with enjoyable activities and let her see that you don't expect her to fill all your needs.

This situation came into your life for a reason. Learn from it and use it to develop healthier, happier, mature relationships that are based on a mutual investment in time and intimacy. I sincerely hope things works out for you both.

—Philippa

To discover "4 Steps to bring the Right Person into your life Right Now!" visit www.meant2be.com or call 888-4-4-STEPS.