AskPhilippa
the advice column for intelligent single adults
In October 15, 2002,
She published her last AskPhilippa letter :(
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Dear Philippa, I was married and divorced at a young age and raised my child on my own. Now I'm ready to have someone strong to lean on. I don't want to sound loony, but men in authority and protection fields like policemen and the military seem to possess the strength I'm looking for. Do you think I should mention this in a romance ad? —Doris, Norfolk, VA

Dear Doris,

The Many women find men in uniform attractive. The way a person dresses does drive our fantasies. The unshaven, artistic guy may bring up thoughts of fun in the bedroom, the well-tailored business-suit type conjures a fantasy around power and wealth, while the uniform signifies someone commanding and in control. Clothes reflect the personality that we have or merely want to portray. But the woman who dresses like Jennifer Lopez is not necessarily a hot tamale between the sheets; nor is a man who wears a uniform always a rock to lean on.

Be careful of stereotypes. Artists are supposed to be more sensitive but Picasso was known for his abuse of women. Some law enforcers are strong in character others have dominating personalities.

Let's leave the uniform in the closet for a moment and examine what you really want in a man. You say you want someone strong to lean on. Do you want a partnership where you each contribute equally or do you want a man who takes the lead or someone who will make all the decisions? There is no judgment in my question. There are men and women who are happy in different types of relationships. Knowing that you have been a strong, independent woman that raised a child on your own, I wonder if you will be comfortable just being taken care of.

First clarify what you want in Mr. Right (otherwise you may get what you wish for and discover that its not what you really want). Frame a romance ad that attracts the kind of man you really want, allowing him to recognize himself in your words. In the written words and in your voice message you could make reference to the traits police officers and men in the military possess that you admire—traits like bravery, decisiveness, strong ethics, and helpfulness. But don't mention the uniform because some guys will misconstrue this as just a sexual fantasy. I like the idea of you saying that you are a strong, self-made woman who has raised her child and is now seeking a strong mate to share your life and each other's load. This would attract a different kind of man than a description that implies you are just looking for someone to lean on.

Some of the gentlest men are tough looking guys. Remember that it also takes strength to express tenderness and show vulnerability. It sounds like you want a take-charge man who also has a heart—someone who will put his strong arms around you and tell you everything is going to be all right because he will always love you. If that is what you want, keep that image clearly in your mind and you will make your dream come true.

—Philippa

To discover "4 Steps to bring the Right Person into your life Right Now!" visit www.meant2be.com or call 888-4-4-STEPS.