AskPhilippa
the advice column for intelligent single adults
In October 15, 2002,
She published her last AskPhilippa letter :(
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Dear Philippa: What happened? I met this incredible guy and we instantly clicked. He told me things that no one has ever said before. Then he brought me home and we had a wild time. Then I never heard from him again. Was he scared or just a player? Do men usually get scared of relationships? ---Traci, Detroit, Michigan

Dear Traci:

When people read this letter many of them are going to say, "What did you expect, he was just after the sex?" That judgment is a bit too harsh and hasty for me. As someone who spent a major part of my single years mistaking physical attraction for intimacy, I understand your frustration and confusion.

Yes of course, men get scared of relationships just like women. I don't know where this guy was coming from and whether he was scared or just a game player and neither do you. So let's focus on you for a minute so you can take control of your love life and learn to empower yourself.

I suspect that you are a passionate woman who probably sends out some strong sexual signals. And I'm not talking about dressing like "Sex in the City." A woman who is in touch with her sensual side is like a male magnet. And you probably enjoy all the excitement you feel when you meet someone and the hormones start pumping, right? Why not, it's normal and healthy. The trouble starts when you mistake hot chemistry for anything more than it is---strong physical attraction. I call that mistake "Lust Blindness".

First of all you need to understand what your intentions are before you go out on the town. Do you want: a) a serious relationship, b) a brief wild encounter, or c) an ongoing dating situation? Be clear about what you really want because if you want a) or c) you better change the signals you are sending and be more selective about the kind of guy you choose to invest yourself in.

If your want a more meaningful relationship, you can't continually be driven by chemistry and excitement. This used to be me before I learned to identify and recognize the kind of men who were both good for me as well as to me. You can still meet men who you find attractive, but learn to avoid the ones where the primary connection is lust. Focus on how you want to feel with a guy and decide that you can have a great time and feel comfortable with someone without your hormones raging for release.

Don't mistake some physical closeness for the time it takes to build real intimacy in a relationship. It's not unusual for someone to share some special part of themselves during sex, but don't mistake that for any indication that the person wants a relationship with you. Sex allows us to get our guard down---to do and say things that we might not otherwise.

It takes a while, but by being aware of what you really want you will eventually learn to reprogram your dating radar to read "I'm ready for complete relationship with healthy emotional and physical intimacy." And then you'll start attracting guys that think you're not only hot stuff, but that you're also a great woman they really want to get to know and date.

To discover "4 Steps to bring the Right Person into your life Right Now!" visit www.meant2be.com or call 888-4-4-STEPS.