Issue #6: Do you attract the same types of partners? July 26, 2001
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"A life spent chasing other people's approval is a life spent on a pointless roller coaster of emotional high and lows, without ever knowing yourself."
Rinatta Paries
Rinatta Paries writes this week's article too.
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This Week's Article:
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Same Types of Partners
Ever notice that people attract the same types of partners over and over again? Isn't it perplexing when you end a bad relationship vowing to never again date a person like that yet seem to end up with a new partner who turns out to have those same qualities? In the beginning of each relationship, you are convinced this time it will be different. But at the end of each of these relationships, you wonder if you will ever stop doing this to yourself.
Why does this happen? One primary reason has to do with our childhood wounds. The wounds I speak of are not intentionally inflicted, but are a normal part of growing up. Nevertheless, they shape our relationships.
A woman, who as a child didn't get enough attention from her father, may find herself partnering with men who don't have time for her or who are not inclined to give her attention. She may spend the bulk of her time in any given relationship chasing after her partner, trying to convince him that she is worth his attention.
A man whose mother wasn't interested in the boyish things he enjoyed during his childhood, such as winning at sports, may involve himself with women who don't care about the things that are important to him. His partners may not celebrate his wins with him. He may spend the bulk of his time in relationships feeling the same way he felt when he was a kid unimportant and unloved.
This man and woman, and millions of others like them, keep finding the same types of partners over and over again. Why?
Because when we have a wound, or a need that was not met in our childhood, we will re-live it over and over again as adults. We will retell the traumas of our childhood over and over again in our behavior, until we are finally heard. We will find partners who are similar to our parental figures in just those behavior patterns that caused us pain and disappointment in the first place. This way, if we are really good and lovable, our partners will finally love us and care about us. They will change for us and we will get our wounds healed. We will become whole.
The funny thing is, often whatever it is we want from our partners is exactly the thing that they don't know how to give us. And it is exactly the thing they need to learn how to give in order to heal their own wounds. So, we are not wrong for asking to be loved. We are actually giving our partners a gift by asking for what we want.
There is only one problem. In order to meet our needs, our partners have to heal their own childhood traumas. And they may not be able to, or may not want to, or may not know how to. They may be perfectly happy the way they are and perfectly satisfied with the status of their relationships. They may not see any need for change.
Unfortunately, many people pick partners who are not willing to grow. In fact, they pick them just for that reason. It's not enough to get your needs met. You must convert and change your partner. It doesn't count as healing your childhood wounds if your partner grows willingly. He or she must be a hard case and you must win him or her over with your incredible lovability. This is a no-win situation for both partners.
So, what do you do when you notice you are picking the same kind of partner over and over again? What do you do when you notice you are picking people you have to convince to love you?
First and foremost, understand what you are really doing in relationships. Look at your motivations. Look at the story of your life that you are trying to tell.
Second, start to heal those childhood wounds by giving to yourself. Didn't get enough attention as a child? Spend an hour a day with yourself in silence finding out how you feel and who you are. Didn't get enough toys? Establish a separate savings account and call it "Play Money." Spend it only on toys, and make sure to spend it all and often. You get the idea. Get your
needs met.
Thirdly, learn how to be only with people who are willing to grow. People who are not willing to grow are not bad. But being in an intimate relationship with them will hurt, because relationships are always about growth.
And finally, choose people who want to be with you, past the three-month crush.
Be conscious and choose wisely. It's your life. Make it full of love.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
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Copyright Rinatta Paries, 1998-01. This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in The Relationship Coach Newsletter, designed to inspire, educate and coach both singles and couples in attracting and sustaining healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships. To have this weekly e-zine delivered to your e-mail, subscribe at www.WhatItTakes.com.
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