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How could he have changed? My partner of two years has become a totally different person. He has gone from attentive and loving to nasty-tempered and verbally abusive. He blames me for everything. He stands over me as I brush my teeth, yelling that I’m using too much water. He also times my showers. I think he is bipolar or worse. He is flirtatious with any woman he meets. He gets attention from anyone he can while showing no loyalty to me—the one who loves him and does the most for him. He is generous to the point of being ridiculous with others, while being selfish, miserly, and mean towards me. I am quiet, peaceful, and appreciative of life—a good person who only wants a kind man who loves and respects me. I did not and have never provoked him into these outbursts. I don’t nag or complain. I just want a happy contented life. I thought I was careful getting into this relationship and that he was my true love. I am heartbroken I may have to start all over again. If I had known what he was like, I would never have bothered. I am near the point of wanting to be alone for the rest of my life, so I don’t have to get hurt like this. Regina

Regina, in the predawn darkness of Oct. 16, 1956, Pan Am Flight 943 was in trouble. The plane, a Boeing Stratocruiser bound from San Francisco to Honolulu, lost its number one engine. When the pilot tried to feather the engine—align the propeller blades in the direction of flight to reduce drag—the engine refused to cooperate.

Then the number four engine failed. Completely. The plane was at the point of no return, too far over the Pacific to return to San Francisco and too disabled to make it to Hawaii. The crew sent out a distress call, which was answered by a ship below. When the pilot deftly ditched the plane, passengers and crew were rescued with no loss of life.

Regina, you are at a point of no return. It feels as if you are too invested in this relationship to return to the starting point. You want to press on to your destination, a healthy relationship, but the chances of making it are slim.

You’ve accepted him timing your showers. What’s next? Telling you what you can or cannot eat? Telling you what you can or cannot wear? Or is he already doing that? With him you take a backseat to everyone else, even strangers. That’s not how bipolar illness works. It’s how an abusive relationship works.

Even if we grant that he has a diagnosable mental condition, it does not give him a dispensation to abuse you. That a person’s behavior can be described in clinical terms does not mean they merit a place in your life. You are weighing the few crumbs you get from him against “If I leave, I’ll have no one.”

In a good relationship things get better and better. A man thinks she loves me, she is always there when I need her. A woman thinks he is steadfast, I feel loved and protected. A woman takes pride in knowing she has a man who cares for her in such a great way. She holds her head up among her peers.

Now you are struggling with two issues. One is the overwhelming human tendency to stay put, and the other is not knowing the way out. A good place to begin is by reading “It’s My Life Now” by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock. It is an excellent guide to starting over after an abusive relationship.

The pilot of that Pan Am flight didn’t want to ditch in the Pacific. But he knew if he did a hard thing with skill, it would turn out well in the end.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.