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I have never put my feelings in words before. I’ve kept my deepest thoughts inside for most of my childhood and adult life. I’ve had counseling on more than one occasion, but would like your candid and direct opinion. I doubt it will be revealing, but I’m desperate. Please understand what I am about to express is a much deeper issue with me than the actual incident. I sent several inappropriate e-mails to a former coworker of my wife. In them I described that it has taken me several years to build the courage to write to her, although I wanted to say these things in person. I tried to mask my courting as “passionate,” but the ugly truth is I only wanted to make love to her. I was rejected and was assured that my insulting behavior would be kept to herself. Much to her credit, she has kept her word. Although I expressed how sorry I am for hurting her, I don’t feel I’ve done enough to show my sincere sorrow. I can’t stop the fear of exposure and how badly it will affect my wife at work. I wish I had been decent enough to think of my wife before myself. I can’t forgive myself because I can’t get over the fact that if this woman was receptive to me, I would have gone ahead with the affair. I don’t know how to act when I see her on occasion. I’m miserable inside and have been for many years. I want to be free of this baggage, and I’m preparing for the worst that can happen. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Miles

Miles, ancient Syracuse was ruled by Dionysius II, a murderous tyrant. So little did Dionysius trust others, he would not let a barber put a razor to his throat. Instead he had his young daughters shave him. To thwart assassination attempts, Dionysius spoke to his subjects from a lofty tower and had his bedchambers encircled by a moat.

Once, as a flatterer fawned over him, the tyrant inquired, “Would you like to taste my life and see what good fortune attends me?” The sycophant, a man named Damocles, leaped at the opportunity.

So Dionysius installed Damocles on a bed of gold. Waiters tended his every need and presented him garlands, perfumes, and the choicest meats. Damocles was jubilant. Then Dionysius showed Damocles what his life was actually like. He lowered a bright sword over Damocles’ neck, suspended by a single horsehair.

Miles, a sword of Damocles hangs over you, but it’s not the one you mentioned. You gave a woman a secret she did not want, though it is a secret she kept. There is no reason to think she will not continue to keep it. The sword hanging over you is the one which has hung over you all of your life.

The real sword is your deepest thoughts, which you have never shared. We suspect your aloneness comes from a history of abuse or neglect. If we are correct, then a counselor will see your thoughts as no more than the predictable, normal outcome of your experience.

Though you’ve been to counseling, you’ve never revealed your deepest thoughts. Now it appears the strain of the sword is so great, you need to tell. But of what? An affair which didn’t occur, or what in your past led up to those events? Often we are driven by a wound which hasn’t been tended, or by a problem we have not solved.

Dionysius couldn’t be free. Even if he wanted to be good, he would be in peril from those he had wronged. But you can be free, if you find the courage to begin. The only solution is to start peeling the onion, and then keep peeling the onion until there are no more secrets to reveal.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.