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My father sexually abused my brother almost 30 years ago, and the rest of the family just learned of it recently. While I have many feelings regarding the past, my question regards the present and future. My husband, young children, and I live within a mile of my parents and see them regularly. We obviously no longer see him, but I do still speak with my mother and she visits our house and sees the children. My mother lives with my father, and she tells me she has forgiven him and does not believe in divorce. We live in a small community, and my in-laws and parents socialize. My in-laws are unaware of the situation because my brother asked that no one be told. We shop at the same markets, see the same people, eat at similar places, and share holidays together. While I would like to move so I would not have to worry about bumping into my parents, my husband’s job is here. He could get a new job, but his family is here and they love my children. I think I would be shortchanging my children if they did not have one set of grandparents who are truly wonderful. Additionally, I’m not sure moving would make me feel better. I asked my mother to move since they are of retirement age and able to do so, but she is unwilling. I feel trapped. She will not leave him and I must accept that; I cannot move and I must accept that. How do I live in this new world? Ginny

Ginny, the first thing abused children learn is not to tell. That’s why molestation inside the family usually takes years to come to the surface. For the victim, the first step is the hardest. Boys who are abused commonly don’t begin to deal with it until their 30s, and it is not unusual for them to wait until their 40s or 50s.

Your brother was forced to be a hoarder of secrets. Now he has given you a secret which protects your children, but it also burdens you. You hope your father has no other victims, but you don’t know. A successful banker may look like a successful banker, but a successful child molester looks like everyone else.

Usually when a man sexually abuses one of the children, the wife knows. But if she places staying with her husband above protecting her child, she will never admit that she knew. Your mother says she has forgiven her husband, but it is not up to her to forgive. The offense was against your brother.

When she says she doesn’t believe in divorce, she is trying to claim the moral high ground, but that is also the justification for doing nothing, then and now. She has rejected any consequences for the man who violated her son. Her reaction explains why victims often resent the parent who stood by and did nothing even more than their abuser.

For your own understanding, we recommend two books: Richard Gartner’s “Beyond Betrayal” and Sue Silverman’s “Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You.” If your brother hasn’t received help, locating a therapist who deals with adult survivors of childhood trauma will be invaluable. It is a truism that you cannot think your way out of trauma.

Discuss with your brother the wisdom of keeping this secret from your in-laws. Sooner or later it may come out, and your in-laws will question why they weren’t told. They have been breaking bread with a molester and don’t know it, and telling them may protect others from being abused by your father.

You did not create this mess. Neither did your brother. Your father’s actions and your mother’s inaction created it. How you treat your parents from now on is entirely up to you. They have forfeited any claim to the obligations children usually owe their parents.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.