By and large, we're all good people. We hold doors open for strangers. We say "thank you" when someone does it for us. Most of us even let people into our lane on the way to work.
Most of the time.
But every once in a while we all feel it welling up inside of us.that mean streak. You know, the same one that, when you were 8 years old, told you that it was OK to pull legs off of bugs, or cut the hair off your sister's Barbie. It's just something deep down inside that needs to be fed every once in a while.
Don't freak out. While there are people who snap and end up in clock towers, the streak usually manifests itself in pretty tame ways - like not holding the elevator for someone, even after you've made eye contact. Or chuckling when you see someone fall in the street. Luckily, even when we do things like that we feel a little twinge of guilt.
Don't shake your head at me. Don't get all holier-than-thou. Even our dear sweet grandmothers laugh at people getting hit in the crotch on "America's Funniest Home Videos." Our mean streaks are what keep shows like that on TV. Whether we're causing it or watching it, a part of us loves the misfortune of others.
As for those people who "snap?" Well, that's just a classic case of not feeding your mean streak for a long time. They're all repressed. They spend all day being nice and predictable and courteous, only to end up road raging on some old lady who didn't yield in a parking lot. These are those same people you always hear about on the TV news:
"He was so nice and so quiet. He really kept to himself."
Yeah. It's always the nice quiet ones who "kept to themselves." Nobody ever says:
"Man, that dude was CRAZY. He used to run around the block going 'BOOYAH!' I knew he'd kill somebody one of these days."
This mean streak isn't a part of our personalities that any of us are particularly proud of, but it is there. No matter how much you try to hide it, fight it, or "keep to yourself." Look at the Hulk. Another classic case. Poor Dr. Banner, wandering around the country, trying to "keep to himself." If he just gave someone a hotfoot or a wedgie once in a while, maybe he would have been fine. OK, so he was exposed to gamma radiation and turned green and big when he got angry, and was totally make-believe, but you know what I mean.
I'm sure many in the mental health community would disagree, but I think pulling a prank every once in a while is a good thing, as long as no one gets hurt. You get a little chuckle, you let a little bit out of the pressure cooker, it's all good. Isn't that why they're called practical jokes? They're practical. Practical is a good thing, right? But what the hell do I know? I'm just trying to write a column here. Any of you out there taking this for gospel should seriously consider seeing one of the mental health professionals who disagree with me.
Most of us handle it just fine. Every so often we'll drink the last bit of coffee and not replace the pot. Or sneak up behind someone and yell BOO! It makes things interesting. But there's a fine line between a little mean (or selfish) and just plain evil. So be careful.
April Fools is 67 days away.
And here's a random thought for today. Do you think Michael Jackson uses whitening toothpaste? Think about it.
Hmmm. Maybe that was a mean thing to say. Eh, whatever.
That's the rant.
