Is anyone else sick of Jared?
Messed up part is, 99% of you know exactly who I'm talking about. The other 1% is my Mom.
Jared. This generation's Richard Simmons. The pied diet piper who ate a bunch of sandwiches at Subway and lost weight equivalent to a high school linebacker. It was interesting news the first time I heard it. Possibly inspiring the second time. But enough already. Now I can't turn on the TV without hearing some stupid Jared jingle and watching him eat sandwiches with a fireman. Ugh.
Or maybe he's this generation's Clara Peller. And for those of you who don't know who THAT is, she's the "Where's the beef" lady.
And what a gimmick. He ate at Subway twice a day for however long, and miraculously lost all this weight. This is your typical American's dream come true - eating fast food twice a day and LOSING weight. Who wouldn't listen to this? Imagine, a #2 meal at Wendy's every day, and at the end of the year, you look more like Brad Pitt and less like Brad, the guy who works in the parking booth at your job.
We're all paranoid about cholesterol, our collective love handles, and the laziness that leads us to fast food in the first place. So, who wouldn't want the magical diet on a sub roll? I bet the day Jared's letter first arrived, the marketing guy over there was so happy he almost peed his pants. I'm confident because I'm in marketing. And if it were me, I would have peed my pants.
Anyhoo, Subway ran with it. Lots of commercials and posters and interviews. Cheesy as hell, but people listened. And Subway got greedy. They couldn't leave well enough alone. And as we all know (especially people who make subs), if you leave cheese out for too long, it starts to smell.
Slowly, we've all figured out that while Jared lost all that weight, he didn't seem to exercise, because he still wears baggy clothes that hide all that loose, flabby skin he's got. C'mon - without some serious plastic surgery, he probably looks like a Shih Tzu under there.
Next, bored with the commercials themselves, we started reading the small type. This, my friends, is a marketer's nightmare. Because this is where they have to essentially tell you that there is no Santa Claus. In the Jared commercials, this type includes things like:
"In order to lose this weight, tubby, you'll have to skip the 12-inch Southwest Steak and Cheese with extra sauce and the large Coke. Instead, you'll have our 6-inch veggie sub with no dressing, and a dixie cup of water (small). If you're OK with eating this twice a day and risking death because you no longer eat a balanced diet, go for it. You'll also have to get off the couch to at least walk to your local Subway, or do something physical other than lifting the sandwich to your mouth."
(sound effect: bubble bursting)
Yeah. Essentially salad on a roll. Twice a day. Indefinitely. Pssht. Doesn't sound so magical anymore, does it? Yep, the curtain has been pulled, and the Wizard of Oz is nothing more than an overzealous audio-visual guy. I'm so disappointed.
Next thing you know, they'll tell us that Jared's dad was the President of Enron.
And don't even get me started on THAT mess.
That's the rant.
