This time of year, it always shows up.
Loaded with goodies for all the boys and girls.
No, it's not the sleigh. It's the gift basket.
Yes, appearing in offices everywhere, loaded with imported foodstuffs, the
lovely holiday gift basket. The gift that says "get fat, you chump."
Who approved this holiday food idea? Or ANY holiday food ideas? I mean, as
if fruit cake wasn't bad enough. And don't forget those cookies with the
damn BB's on top of them that every Grandma makes. I've never seen a sugar
plum, but I'm pretty sure I don't want one of those, either. And I don't
even really understand what Egg Nog is supposed to be what is nog?
Buttermilk with nutmeg? No thanks.
The whole damn holiday season, from Thanksgiving on, just seems to be about
stuffing your face. And since everyone is worried about being fat, we send
food to each other, hoping that the other guy or gal will eat more than us
so next year, we can call them "fatty."
Anyhow, there it is. Your gift basket. And of course, everyone hovers
around it, hoping to get the good stuff. Why? Because there's usually just
one good thing in there - like those chocolate straws. The rest is usually
crap. For example....
The beef stick. This is unnatural, gross-looking, and rather phallic. It's
also beef parts. And not the good parts, people. They usually bundle this
with some gross dijon-honey-stoneground-spicy-Chinese mustard or some weird
spreadable brie-cream-jalapeno-jack cheese. Some are even called "summer
sausage," which makes NO sense considering the fact that you're getting it
in December. I guess it's OK if you're in Australia.
Say what you will about it, but people LOVE the beef stick. It's actually
one of the first things to go. That is a sad, sad commentary on us as a
people. Then again, we're also the society that had a president who loved
PORK RINDS. Ewww.
And of course, the stale crackers. Hmmm. What are the holidays without stale
crackers? Not much, Chachi. Maybe that's why they give you that bottle of
sparkling pear juice. Because the only time you'd ever drink that stuff is
to clear your throat of stale, dry Christmas crackers.
Tarts and other pastries are OK, but they're usually so smashed by the other
stuff in the basket that they're not even worth trying to eat. Hmm!!! Broken
cookies! My favorite!!!
Nuts. Lots of nuts. Salted. Unsalted. Honey-roasted. And as I've already
told you, they're pretty expensive, so snag those if you can. But don't you
dare eat them. Sell 'em on eBay.
And the chocolate-covered things. Chocolate-covered cherries.
Chocolate-covered pretzels. Chocolate-covered chocolate. Chocolate-covered
tennis shoes. This stems from the belief that most people would even eat a
dog poo if it was covered in enough chocolate. Scary thing is, it's probably
true.
Gingerbread houses. 'nuff said.
Then there's the caramel corn. Because, as we all know, once Mary and Joseph
settled down in the manger, they cracked open a tin of candy-coated corn
from Swiss Colony. And then the wise men showed up with Frankincense, Myrrh,
and a Hickory Farms sampler. They sat down and had a party! I'm sure that's
how this whole tradition began.
Maybe this thing is over. Maybe it's time to stop sending food. Maybe for
your $49.95, you can send 'em a couple of CDs. A book basket from Barnes and
Noble. Picture frames. Ornaments. Anything. Nobody wants the "survivalists
sampler pack anymore."
And finally, there's the- -OOH! Someone sent me a chocolate-covered beef
stick! Gotta go.
That's (gobble, munch, munch) the (gulp) rant.
